Last Resort

I was thinking today as I was getting dressed and feeling my jeans were tighter yet again that I just can't do this on my own. I done the working out and eating right thing. I have done the yoga thing. I have done fad diets and juicing. Pretty much the only thing that I have not resorted to is starving myself or bulimia (I would rather be fat the rest of my life than attempt either of those). The only time that I have lost weight and not gained it in the last few years is a few pounds here and there with Weight Watchers but then began gaining instead of losing again, and then when I had my tonsils out (but that was not healthy or pleasant).

I know that there are some people who are going to look down on me for this. They are going to think that I am trying to take the easy way out and that I don't want to accept responsibility. I am only fat because of me right? Because secretly I don't want to change who I am because I don't care? Wrong. I wish I could be healthier (well, thinner really because I am actually pretty darn healthy other than the weight issue). I am not depressed, I don't have high blood pressure or cholesterol, my blood sugar is always within normal ranges. I am just fat. No matter what I do the weight comes back on. Insane weight gain is part of having PCOS but I am not going to use that as an excuse because there are plenty of women who have PCOS and are perfectly thin. I am sure that if I killed myself at the gym and ate nothing but veggies for good that I would probably drop some of the weight, but I would be miserable. I would have even less time than I have now with Cody and for myself, I would end up going on a junk food binge because I am not fond of green veggies for the most part and if I ate nothing but that I would be craving fatty foods.

I have known a few people who have taken the route that I am seriously contemplating taking and they have never been happier or thinner. I don't know what it's like to be thin. I never have been. I would love to be able to walk into a room and not feel like people are judging me instantly because I look the way I do. I would love to not have a lingering fear that I am not going to be able to get the seatbelt on the airplane done up. I want to go swimming without feeling like a beached whale in a bathing suit. My life would be so much better and happier if I were thin. Sorry if that sounds shallow, but I know that I would see a huge change in the way my life would be if I actually felt good about how I looked. I will avoid going out to places that I am not familiar with because I don't want to be seen by new people. This is an artificial world and people put a label on you the second they see you, before getting to know who you truly are. That is just the way we operate. I would like nothing more than to not have to worry about that judgement. I want to be able to take up running so I can do 5Ks with my friends. I would like to be able to exercise without my ACL feeling like it's about to tear away from my body because there is so much pressure on my knee. I would like to be able to run around with Cody and not feel so winded after just a few minutes.

So I guess that was my long-winded intro into why I am seriously considering gastric bypass. Think of it what you will, think I am lazy or like I am taking the easy way out. If that is what you think and you are entitled to your opinions. I know a few people who have been able to discipline themselves, do extreme workouts, eat healthy, and now look and feel aamzing, but that is not me. That is not who I am nor who I ever could be. I don't want to spend hours of the day that I already do not have in the gym. I do not want to deny myself of the foods that I am used to eating only to go on a food overdose later because I have quit cold turkey. If you are supportive of this decision, thank you. If not, please don't try and tell me that I am doing the wrong thing or that I am taking the easy way out. I have already thought that and if I am, I am, but at this point I am feeling like it is my only option to become healthy and happy at this point.