Most people who know me know that I am generally a bright and shiny person with a happy attitude. Those who really know me know that the last six or seven years were hell. I was battling some pretty deep depression. It never got to the point where I ever thought about harming myself, but it was bad enough that it affected almost every part of my life.
There were days when I didn't even want to get out of bed. Most days I would get up, work, and then go right back and lay down in my bed with the kiddo in my room with me and we would hang out an watch TV or play board games. I didn't want to come out of my room. Other than Cody, nothing else really seemed important. I became extremely lazy and just kind of stopped cleaning. It got out of control and now my house is a disaster that is looming in front of me. I have been trying to clean it little by little, but it's so overwhelming that it is hard to keep up with everything else that I have going on. Whenever someone tries to come in the house I will make an excuse so that doesn't happen. I don't want people here, seeing what years of depression has done to me and my life. I want to keep that happy demeanor for those who see me outside of my house. I am embarrassed to even have the maintenance guys here to fix things because my house is so awful.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have like piles of rotting food on the floor or anything like that. I have a LOT of clutter. I have a LOT of clothes that are all over the place because I keep buying more and have no place to put them, but can't seem to get rid of the ones I don't wear anymore because I think, "Well when I lose weight I can wear it." I just want to get this place clean. I want to be able to have people over. I want to get a new couch. I can't do that until I clear up space in my bedroom to put stuff that is in the living room. I want to be able to make a weekly cleaning schedule and actually stick to it instead of doing something and then getting distracted by another thing and forgetting about the cleaning that I was doing.
This has to be a part of my transformation. Along with losing weight and eating better, I have to set aside time every single day to clean something. I have been doing okay for the last week or so. I have been washing the dishes pretty much every day instead of letting them sit for a few days until I have run out of dishes to use. I have tackled my bedroom a bit and thrown a lot of stuff away, but I still have so much more to do. I want to move out of this apartment eventually and with as much stuff as I have right now, that's not possible because I would never be able to move it all. I need to downsize. I really want to rent one of those giant dumpsters to put in the driveway so I can just throw stuff over the balcony and be done with it. With only one good arm it's hard to bring more than one or two bags down with me when I go downstairs.
I also want to try and be more active every day. I went to the gym the other day and even though I wasn't there for long, I still felt good about getting out and moving. I couldn't help but to feel guilty the whole time though because I thought about all of the other things that I could have been doing while I was away. I have to get out of that mindset as well. Can we have more hours in the day, please??
Eating-wise things have been going well. I am back to losing weight after those couple of bad days and am now down a total of 12.8 pounds. I just need to make sure that I am eating through the day and that I hit those points. Last night I saved points for beer that I thought I was going to have but ended up not going out, so I instead ate walnuts and veggies with ranch dip to use up some points. I didn't want to have anything with sugar or carbs since it was right before bed.
Phew...sorry for the long-winded post. I had a maintenance guy come over today and I was so embarrassed by the condition of this apartment, I needed to rant. He was really sweet and when I apologized for the mess he said, " I am not here to judge you, sweetheart. I am just here to make sure your apartment is okay and that you don't have any lead. You are fine."
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