Harder than I thought it would be

Day 2 and I am having a rough time. I had the juice for breakfast and was fine, had another glass before work and was fine, but once I got to work it all went to hell.

I brought a pitcher of juice with me to ensure that I would have enough for the night. I did drink the juice but I was still starving. I drank a lot of water as well. I ended up slipping and having a few Wheat Thins.

I had NO energy tonight. This morning was great, I managed to get a lot done, but then once I got to work, I was falling asleep at my keyboard and I didn't even want to get out of my chair.

I have my juice ready to go for the morning, and I am going to continue to stick with this as I have seen the benefits, but it's hard because this is a whole new animal for me.

I took my measurements this morning too, bought a tape measure and a new scale in order to keep track.

Chest - 54
Waist - 50
Hips - 59

UGH. I HAVE to stick with this. I can't live like this anymore.

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance

Here we are. Day 1. I picked up my juicer this afternoon and promptly scurried to Market Basket for some vittles. I picked up all of the following for under $20:

Bunch of Kale - Will last at least 4 days
2 heads of cabbage - 4 days at least
6 Apples - 3 days
1 pear - 1 day
2 Cucumbers - 2 days
Bag of celery - 4 days
Green Grapes - 4 days
Carrots - 4 days
6 Kiwi - 6 days
2 Lemons - 2 days

I think that was it, there may have been more but I can't remember.

So this morning my first juice consisted of:



4 Kale leaves
a handful of grapes
1 Macintosh Apple
4 whole carrots



It wasn't bad, but wasn't great either. Too much kale.

Then for dinner and late night snackage I used:

3 kale leaves
20 baby carrots
1 kiwi
2 macintosh apples
1 lemon
1 banana
Handful of grapes
4 celery stalks

This time around it was pretty decent. I have found a few recipes that look really tasty, I am going to try one out for breakfast tomorrow.

Today wasn't entirely juice as I didn't get all my goodies until 1pm, I had oatmeal for breakfast with a small cup of 1% milk, and at work finished off the little bit of Cracker Barrel cheddar and reduced fat Wheat Thins that I had. Can't let that cheese go to waste!

Not bad for my first day! I drank a lot of water, the appropriate amount of juice, and I really wasn't hungry at all. Feeling good.

Here are my starting measurements and photos (not excited about putting this stuff up here, but I have to do it in order to look back and see how far I have come)

Starting weight - 284.5
Starting BMI - 42.1
Waist, chest, hips will come later as I don't have a tape measure and Rite Aid was closed for inventory tonight.

I am going to post my stats and photos once a week when I weigh myself in

Beginning photos (these are bad, will take better in a week)

Front:




Side:

Goodbye to food for 60 days

No, do not worry, I am not starving myself. In case you hadn't read about it, I have become completely inspired by Joe Cross and the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I recommend everyone watch this movie, whether you want to lose weight or not.

Tomorrow I begin my juicing journey. I pick up my juicer after Zumba and produce before work to start my 60 juicing journey. There have been many inspiring stories on Facebook and I look forward to becoming one of those inspirations.

I am going to begin adding photos to this blog. I am going to wear clothes that are not baggy and take photos of myself, front and side view, so I can see, and you all can see the progress that I am making, and hopefully cheer me on.

Now for those of you thinking, no food for 60 days??? That is insane, that is not healthy. I have spoken to my primary physician already and they think it is a great idea. All the protein, vitamins, and nutrients are in the veggies and fruits that I will be juicing. I am going to be getting regular check ups to ensure that I am safe and getting healthy.

By this time in May...I could actually be shopping for a bathing suit....something I have not done in a very long time.

Wish me luck, criticize me, do what you wish, just do not try and stop me. I am ready, I am willing, I am excited. Get ready world, the skinny me is about to be unleashed.

New Motivations

Guess I really need to kick my ass in gear now!

I want to donate a kidney to a family member who really needs it. I am relatively healthy despite the heartburn and the PCOS, and the fact that I am fat.

I was told this morning that I cannot go for further testing to be a donor until I lose at least 50 pounds. That is such a huge amount and seems like it is going to be so hard. I really need to get into gear and figure out a plan. I know I have a huge support system so I just need to take advantage of that support.

The hardest part is the motivation for me. I am never motivated enough to get up and exercise. My husband left, I do not want another relationship, so I just don't care what I look like. At this point however, there is a HUGE reason for me to lose the weight and it's so important.

So I have an action plan in mind, I am hoping that I can actually get the motivation to do it to lose this weight quickly so I can help this person out.

• Start the "Subway diet". I already eat there almost every day, I just need to change up what I actually eat there.

• Get veggies and low-sugar fruits to snack on all night at work so I don't snack on other bad meals

• Keep an honest food diary and make sure that I stick with it so that I can see what I am really putting into my body, and post it here every night. Even if no one else reads it, I will.

• Hook up the Wii and start doing Wii fit for half an hour a day plus walking for at least half and hour every single day.

• Try going to Zumba on Friday mornings

• Seek counseling help to add some extra encouragement or motivation

So that's my plan, I will need all the support that I can get. This is an extremely important issue.

Lesson: Sterilization FRICKEN HURTS!!!

Yup. I got sterilized on Friday. Everything went really well. I was not a fan of the first half hour after coming out of the anesthesia, but it hasn't been to horrible. The pain is immense, but I knew it was coming and have been trying not to take many pain meds. The meds they did give me don't help at all, so I guess it's better to not bother taking them at all! All in all, it was worth it, risking my life to get pregnant again is just not worth it to me, not to mention I do not want another child.

I don't really have a huge amount to blog right now as I am extremely exhausted and can't even think right now. Game time soon, GO GIANTS!!

Because You Can't Change Something That You Don't Understand

Well, it has been quite a while since I have even thought about this blog. Overtime at work has gotten the best of me, as has an over-abundance of bills. I have been behind on everything and have been working insane hours to try and keep up. I had a roommate for a month, and then she left. I have another moving in tomorrow, hopefully she will stay a little longer.

I wish I could come back from my hiatus and report that I have lost weight, am eating healthy, and have been exercising. In reality however, I have been eating terribly, have been horribly depressed, stopped going to the gym all together, and haven't lost a thing.

I donate $20 a month to help keep Planet Fitness running. I should feel good about that right? Community service, charity and all. I have just been too tired to go. The only time that I have time to go is at 2am when I get out of work. If I go there for an hour, come home, wind down, I am in bed by 4am, and then I have to wake up at 6:30am when Cody comes back to the house. That just doesn't work. Sleep trumps exercise. Money trumps sleep. Exercise trumps nothing. It's an epic battle of rock-paper-scissors with my life.

So, exercise is nil. Love, yeah that has gone right out the window and will never come back. I am dealing with the fact that I will never be in a relationship again. It's not that I don't want to be eventually, it's just that I don't feel that I am good enough for anyone. The male species doesn't even look my way or give me the time of day because I am not skinny, I don't have the usual attractive female features. I am fat. Guys don't like fat girls. Some can say they do but when it comes right down to it, no matter how awesome personalities are, given the chance to be with one or the other, they will take the fit chick. Almost every time. I have had interests, but none have been reciprocated, so I am going to take this down as a loss and move on.

Work gets more and more frustrating every day. I put in so much effort and it seems to go unnoticed. I don't need fanfare, I don't need a parade or anything. I would just for once like someone to say that I am doing a great job and that I am headed places. It doesn't seem like I am going to get very far unless I become more assertive which is not in my nature at all.

So that leave us with diet. What diet? The eat what I want when I want diet. I am not hungry. Usually during the day, I am not hungry in the least. And yet I still feel the need to eat. When I am sitting at work, I am doing my thing, not hungry in the least, and yet I still get this overwhelming urge to snack that takes control. Granted I have at least been keeping decent stuff to eat at my desk so that it doesn't turn out too horribly, but I should not be eating when I am not hungry. I need to find something that distracts my brain so I don't think about food at all. I don't have the money to buy good food at the grocery store, so I am forced to buy Ramen, or Kraft, or plain old bread and peanut butter. I buy frozen veggies and soup every now and then but I really have to be in the mood for them. Tonight my supper was cotton candy ice cream with gummy bears. Great supper huh?

I need to get out of my funk. I think the first place I need to start is a therapist. I need to talk out my feelings with someone who is impartial, who will listen, and who may be able to pinpoint why I am so horribly depressed. (Although I am pretty sure I can pinpoint the root of it). From there who knows what will happen, but we will see I suppose. (Having major deja vu right now)

So that is my rant and self-loathing for the night. Take it as you will.

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

So yeah. I am in a mood. Won't get into details about some of the stuff that has gone on today, but more of a general vent about stuff from the last few months. I have been so busy it's not even funny, could be why I haven't updated in who knows how long.

Working 13-14 hour days...every weekday. When I am not insane on the weekday I am editing photos like a mad woman on the weekends because that is the only time I have to do it unless I don't sleep, like I am doing right now. There is just so much to do and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I really need to hire a cleaning crew to come in here and just wipe everything out for me. Anyone want to sign me up for a cleaning show on TLC or something? I have been so busy with work lately that I have not had much time to clean, and the little time I did have seemed to be wasted because the stuff I cleaned was dirty again within five minutes. I can't wait to get rid of these damn kittens, that's all I have to say.

I have been following along with my high school reunion page on Facebook, and at first I was excited about it, but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to go. Pretty sure I am not going to be going. There is really no point. The people that I talked to in high school I still talk to for the most part, they already know what has been going on with me. So to that effect, why would I want to go to a room filled with people from high school that tormented me mercilessly because I was fat and ugly, when I am even bigger now than I was then? I have not accomplished much in life, in the middle of divorce that is dragging on and on, haven't completed any meaningful college degrees (my Associates in Lib Arts doesn't mean squat), and I am working at a job that is not what I want to do, am broke as hell, and really have nothing much that is interesting to say to those who didn't like me back then. Why would they care what I am up to now? It is just going to be an adult version of a school dance, only people will be getting drunk. All set with that. Like I said, I still talk to a good portion of the people I was lucky enough to be friends with in high school thanks to the magic of Facebook, and those I don't talk to anymore, well there is a reason. I would rather save the $25 to get in and spend the night hanging out with the munchkin who is one of the only parts of my life that I am actually proud of.

Ok, enough ranting about that.

Looking for a new place to live since the neighbors yet again are becoming intolerable. I really don't want to leave though, I love this apartment for the space, and the layout, and the view of the city. I don't love the parking, or the people living on the second floor who have now made it impossible for me to park in the driveway that I pay for as well. ONE CAR PER APARTMENT. I don't care if your boyfriend's Jeep is getting repossessed and you want to park behind him to stop them from taking it. If they want it, they will get it. Doesn't mean you have to park all the way at the end of the driveway and take up three spaces to block him in. Stop being a douche.

I wish I could move to Goffstown and get Cody into that school system. I was approached by a kid today who couldn't have been more than 12 years old, asking if he could bum a cigarette off me and swearing at me when I told him no because 1. I don't smoke, and 2. He was far too young to need one. He asked the guy in the car in front of me for money and started swearing at the guy when he got nothing. Then there were the little ghetto trash kids beating the crap out of each other for the fun of it, or the circle of kids calling this poor little girl ugly and stupid. I don't want Cody learning this type of behavior, and it sickens me to think that these kids are probably allowed to get away with this at home, if not learning it there. I can't imagine speaking like they did when I was that young, they are so disrespectful. I guess the best that Steve and I can do is teach Cody right from wrong and hope that he has the good sense to listen and be well-behaved. If he ever bullies anyone he is going to military school. I will NOT tolerate that.

Work is finally calming down a little with the insanity that I have been going through for the last few weeks. I was in coaching the new class and still having to be the go-to person for the people on the floor, plus audit other people's work while trying to process my own and it was just too much at once. I felt like a failure because I wasn't able to handle it all, but then I took a step back and realized that I was trying to take on far too much. I spoke with my manager about it and we were able to give me a day where I could just concentrate on the class and my work. Now that I am not in the class anymore and am back to my normal processing, I feel much less stressed. I missed being at my own desk, listening to my shows or music.

My diet, which this whole blog was essentially about, is non-existant. I still have yet to go to the gym, I am just too tired after working so much. I hardly eat, and when I do it's not super healthy, and yet I have lost 10 pounds. I am sure it is not a healthy 10 pounds, more like stress, lack of sleep and lack of food pounds. Hopefully I can get back on track at some point, but right now there is so much to focus on that does not include counting carbs and calories.

I guess that is all for now. I am going to continue my editing and thinking about some of the great things that are coming up this month. The 16th is going to be fantastically relaxing and I cannot wait. I get to spend the whole day with my dad which I have not gotten to do in a long time, plus vacation with Cody is coming up soon as well. Too bad we can't go to Canada...stupid passports.