Well, it has been quite a while since I have even thought about this blog. Overtime at work has gotten the best of me, as has an over-abundance of bills. I have been behind on everything and have been working insane hours to try and keep up. I had a roommate for a month, and then she left. I have another moving in tomorrow, hopefully she will stay a little longer.
I wish I could come back from my hiatus and report that I have lost weight, am eating healthy, and have been exercising. In reality however, I have been eating terribly, have been horribly depressed, stopped going to the gym all together, and haven't lost a thing.
I donate $20 a month to help keep Planet Fitness running. I should feel good about that right? Community service, charity and all. I have just been too tired to go. The only time that I have time to go is at 2am when I get out of work. If I go there for an hour, come home, wind down, I am in bed by 4am, and then I have to wake up at 6:30am when Cody comes back to the house. That just doesn't work. Sleep trumps exercise. Money trumps sleep. Exercise trumps nothing. It's an epic battle of rock-paper-scissors with my life.
So, exercise is nil. Love, yeah that has gone right out the window and will never come back. I am dealing with the fact that I will never be in a relationship again. It's not that I don't want to be eventually, it's just that I don't feel that I am good enough for anyone. The male species doesn't even look my way or give me the time of day because I am not skinny, I don't have the usual attractive female features. I am fat. Guys don't like fat girls. Some can say they do but when it comes right down to it, no matter how awesome personalities are, given the chance to be with one or the other, they will take the fit chick. Almost every time. I have had interests, but none have been reciprocated, so I am going to take this down as a loss and move on.
Work gets more and more frustrating every day. I put in so much effort and it seems to go unnoticed. I don't need fanfare, I don't need a parade or anything. I would just for once like someone to say that I am doing a great job and that I am headed places. It doesn't seem like I am going to get very far unless I become more assertive which is not in my nature at all.
So that leave us with diet. What diet? The eat what I want when I want diet. I am not hungry. Usually during the day, I am not hungry in the least. And yet I still feel the need to eat. When I am sitting at work, I am doing my thing, not hungry in the least, and yet I still get this overwhelming urge to snack that takes control. Granted I have at least been keeping decent stuff to eat at my desk so that it doesn't turn out too horribly, but I should not be eating when I am not hungry. I need to find something that distracts my brain so I don't think about food at all. I don't have the money to buy good food at the grocery store, so I am forced to buy Ramen, or Kraft, or plain old bread and peanut butter. I buy frozen veggies and soup every now and then but I really have to be in the mood for them. Tonight my supper was cotton candy ice cream with gummy bears. Great supper huh?
I need to get out of my funk. I think the first place I need to start is a therapist. I need to talk out my feelings with someone who is impartial, who will listen, and who may be able to pinpoint why I am so horribly depressed. (Although I am pretty sure I can pinpoint the root of it). From there who knows what will happen, but we will see I suppose. (Having major deja vu right now)
So that is my rant and self-loathing for the night. Take it as you will.
