I am thankful that I managed to stay on track!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend!

I am proud of myself, I managed to stay on track and under my daily points, but was full after dinner. I had a lot of veggies, and stayed away from the desserts other than the soda cake that I made and brought with me. There were a lot of different and really tempting desserts, but I did not touch. Go me!

I snacked on chips and salsa while at my grandmother's house over the weekend, and had a turkey sandwich on oatmeal bread with squash and cranberry sauce on it for a leftover lunch. Didn't touch a dessert all weekend other than my cake and a couple of my grandmother's chocolate marshmallow cookies (because it is NOT a holiday without those!).

I weighed myself this morning even though I have really been trying not to weigh myself until my meetings, but I was happy to see that the scale said I had dropped another 3.8 pounds. Hopefully it will stay that way for my meeting tomorrow!

Today I had a cheat day as I haven't allowed myself one for a bit. I had pizza for lunch. When I was done eating it and calculating the points I realized that it really wasn't worth it to eat a big portion like I used to. One slice is 8 points. To me that is a lot, so if I have a cheat day, it's going to be that one day and that's it! I have yet to use my weekly points and my activity points however, so I do still have those to use if I wish. I had a dinner of grilled sirloin steak and broccoli to make up for lunch. :)

I am thinking of starting up slowly with a yoga routine at home to inch my way into some exercise. Yoga seems relatively harmless, and I could use a little toning if I am going to be losing weight. I am not sure if yoga will help me to lose weight since it doesn't seem like something that really gets your heart rate going, but I think it will be something good to work into my routine. Hopefully I can get to Zumba this week as well.

Wish me luck on my weigh-in tomorrow, I am hoping for my third weigh-in in a row with a loss!

Yikes

Woooo boy today was not a good day food-wise. I was just not that hungry except for lunch. I had a little over half a box of Velveeta and that was it. Then I had a corn dog for supper, followed by a Smirnoff Ice and chips with salsa at the club I went to after. I barely touched the chips though. I came in with 11 points left for the day and after looking at the small amount on my food log can't believe how little food I actually had for a decent amount of points. Eating healthier is definitely better and more satisfying. Although last night was my splurge night, I had pepperoni pizza and man was it good. Lol

I did manage to restrain myself tonight and drink water other than the one drink out at the club. Usually I will have a few mudslides or Dirty Girlscouts (Chocolate milk with creme de menthe, tastes like a Thin Mint).

Tomorrow I am at home and working for a good portion of the day so fortunately I won't be going anywhere, don't want to spend the money on delivery and all the Velveeta and unhealthy stuff is now out of the house, so I should have a better day tomorrow!!

It's all about the points values baby

I noticed something when I went to the grocery store today. I completely skipped all the aisles that I normally go to, such as the snack aisle and the ice cream aisle. I had my phone with me and was using my scanner app on everything that I was thinking of getting. When I found out what the points were, I debated on whether that tiny little granola bar, or those 2 cookies were really worth the points they would tack on, and for the most part put a lot of stuff right back on the shelf. I am wondering if I am being too conscious about it though.

I think I am most worried that if I cut out all the yummy foods like ice cream or cookies, that should I happen to have a sweet treat at some point, I am going to go on a binge. I really wanted to get some cookies from the bakery, but I stopped myself because I knew that 2 cookies would probably not be enough and I would end up eating more than I want to. I am glad that I have the sense to know when I will not have the self control to portion, but it worries me that I may not be able to keep that control if I completely deprive myself of anything that I think tastes good. I ended up walking out of the store with turkey burgers, olive oil, fat and sugar free cool whip, water, seltzer, and a 2 liter of diet pepsi.

I was starving when I left the store, and almost hit up the Burger King on the way home but went right on by because I know the points weren't worth it. I am enjoying the restraint that I seem to have, but hope that it lasts and that I don't give up once the weight loss starts slowing down. I did not weigh myself today, I am trying really hard not to do it every day so that when it fluctuates I don't get discouraged and go on a binge. Right now I am sitting down to some low fat cottage cheese instead of BK. Granted it doesn't taste nearly as good as a burger would but sacrifices have to be made if I want to lose the weight!

Could have done a little better today!

I completely skipped food until 5pm. Of course, I was sleeping for most of the day since I didn't have my son today, but still. Not good. I ended up having a big dinner. I am still under my points and had a power food for supper so I guess it's not that bad.

I am getting hungry again, but bought Special K with strawberries just for night time snacks during work.

Tomorrow I am going to Zumba class for an hour, that should get me some good activity points! I am saving my extra points for dinner on Saturday, going to Buffalo Wild Wings for the first time, but I am still going to try and eat the best that I can. It appears that they have a grilled chicken sandwich that you can build with your own toppings so I should be able to eat something a little healthy.

I am trying not to weigh myself every day, but I am getting excited that this is actually working. I am down a total of 5.1 pounds in 5 days so far. I know that after the first week it will slow down and I will only lose one or two pounds per week after that but I am still pretty happy. I even managed to look at myself in the mirror tonight and think "I am not that terrible looking". That is the first time in a long time I have been able to think that. So not only is this going to give me a physical makeover, but a mental makeover as well. I have always been the chunky girl and have always had self-esteem issues. I would love to get some of that back!

Cheers to a new sense of self!

Congrats to the 44th President for another four years!

So happy for Obama!

And now my political rant is over. Lol

Feeling great again today. Lost another pound today. That is 3.7 pounds in four days. Awesome! I know the rapid weight loss will stop soon, but for now I am going to enjoy it because it is a great motivator.

Today I had a six inch turkey sub on flatbread with veggies, mustard, and light cheddar cheese for lunch, along with a bag of Baked Lays and low fat milk from Subway. For dinner, a delicious bowl of penne pasta with veggie sauce and steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. I have also had an ice cream sandwich and a bag of popcorn. I still have five points left. I may eat a bit of cottage cheese before I go to bed since that is low points and will fill me up without giving me heartburn.

I am feeling really good and very excited to see what this program has in store for me.

Feeling great!

Wow...what a shock it was to go into my first meeting for WW today and find that I had lost 2.7 pounds since they had weighed me on Friday. Whether it is a true weight loss or just the time of the day or whatever, I am not sure, but I can only hope that it was weight coming off. I have been doing really well over the last three days that I have been counting points.

Today I had couscous for lunch, surprisingly if I use virgin olive oil instead of margarine or butter, the points are quite low. Then I had carrots for a snack.

For dinner I made a turkey taco salad that was so good, and only 11 points.

I got hungry a few minutes ago and made a bowl of oatmeal with skim milk which was 4 points. I still have 3 points for the day, but I don't think I am going to use them

I met some really nice women at the meeting this morning and learned a lot about different foods that are considered "power foods". Some of them, such as white potatoes, were a shock.

I went grocery shopping after the meeting and the scanner app that they have came in handy. I was scanning anything that I was intending to pick up and if it was too many points per serving, thought about whether it was really worth it, and ended up putting some stuff back. I did manage to get a bunch of steamed veggies, multigrain tortilla chips, salsa, whole grain spaghetti, and a few other healthy power foods.

I really hope that I can keep this up and keep sticking with it. I think that if I can see that it's working then I will be more inclined to stick with it and not get discouraged as easily.

Only 11.3 pounds to go before I hit my first milestone goal of 5% of my body weight lost!

Not what I expected

I have to say, this is a lot easier than I expected...I managed to eat the following today and still stay within my points...

Handful of Honey Roasted Peanuts
Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme
Taco Bell Taco
1 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich
Chips and salsa
2 Smirnoff Ice
1 serving of Haagen-Dazs Peppermint Bark ice cream

I had to use a few of my allotted extra points for the week for the ice cream tonight, but I have wicked heartburn (my insurance company stopped my med prescription until further notice) and I have no  milk in sight. But I only used 4 of my weekly 49 extra points, so I don't feel so bad.

I was very shocked at the fact that I stayed within my points, and I am not starving at the end of the day. That gives me a shred of hope. The juicing diet had me so hungry I was ready to claw my eyes out. But today I got to eat a meal that I liked, and still was able to stay within my daily allowance.

However, there is another side to this. In looking at what I did eat today, I skipped breakfast which is never good (but I always do because I am not hungry in the morning), and I probably didn't get as much protein and veggies as I should have! Tomorrow for lunch I am having a 99% lean turkey burger with a wheat roll and veggies, with steamed broccoli and cauliflower on the side. I may even make some egg beaters for breakfast with a little new york sharp cheddar. Who knows!

I am excited for my first Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow morning. I hope to meet some new people who can help to motivate me!

Fell off the proverbial wagon...again

I never realize how long it has been since my last update with these until I go to make a new post. Overtime started at work and any personal time I had to myself went out the window! I have also started a new gig photographing for the club that I frequent, that has been keeping me nice and busy as well. I am loving it in some ways because when I work a lot, it keeps my mind off of things. It also however, keeps me away from being active and eating right.

I joined Weight Watchers yesterday in an attempt to get some motivation and learn how to eat in a healthy manner while controlling portions. I am hoping that going to one or two meetings a week will help me out and give me the motivation and tools that I need to get through this.

My point allotment per day right now is 45 points with a 49 point weekly bonus. Today was my first tracking day. I have 16 points left for the day and don't feel the need to eat anything else. I am happy that I didn't go over the points, especially since I went out to eat for lunch today. I got a grilled chicken sandwich with steamed veggies on the side. It was really really good, but still cost 20 points just for the sandwich alone. Good thing all the sides that I ate were 0 points each with the exception of the 2 small slices of bread that I had before the meal.

I am really going to have to try hard to start cooking more so that I can eat healthier. I can buy prepackaged grilled chicken, but it wouldn't last for long and it is expensive, so I am going to have to start buying and cooking my own chicken. Boo. I hate cooking. I have been looking through the recipes that they offer in the booklets each week, and so far all of them have been very heavily garlic based. I will have to find a way around that and will also have to find some good recipes without meat since I usually don't eat much meat.

So day one, didn't do any exercise, but ate well. Slow and steady right?

Juicy juicy

I keep forgetting to write in here. Lol. Things are okay with the juicing. I really need to be doing the juice fast, not just replacing 2 meals, but I am finding it to be extremely difficult to do that. It seems like everywhere I turn there is someone eating, or an ad with food, or something and I find it to be really really hard to resist the temptation to eat. I haven't been eating terribly, nothing super fatty, no fast food other than a sub at Subway, but it's still eating which I am not supposed to be doing.

The fast only really works if you fast! I am drinking my juice now, but I am almost out of produce to juice and I don't get paid until Wednesday which is going to be a problem. I may have enough for tomorrow's juice and Monday, but I am not sure about Tuesday and Wednesday. I am doing a lot of ChaCha to try and get money for produce, but they are messing with the pay system this week so I don't know if that will be possible or not. I will have to see.

Other than that, not too much going on. There is someone at work who is doing the juice fast with me as well, and it is nice to know there is someone else who is doing it that I can share recipes and tips with. It is good to know there is a support system around too in case I need it badly.

I found a recipe book that came with the juicer that I got a few weeks ago, it tells you all sorts of great recipes to juice and also gives suggestions as to what you can do with the pulp after you are done juicing. It all sounds really good!

Yesterday I made a juice out of:

3 small Macintosh apples
2 oranges
handful of green grapes
10 strawberries
4 kale leaves
1/4 English cucumber
1 lemon

It tastes really good. I added a little berry seltzer to it for a little more of a kick.

I have lost 3.5 pounds as of Tuesday, I have yet to weigh myself again. I got all the blood work back from my doctor and the only thing that was elevated was my cholesterol, but only by a point and only because I had a dinner of hard boiled eggs the night before.

So things are going alright, but still not progressing as I wish they had, but that is entirely my fault.

Go forth and inspire.

Jumping back on

Ok, so I have been doing well for the last few days. I have been replacing 2 meals a day with the juice so that I can get my body used to not eating as much as I had before.

Most of the juice has been mainly fruit, however today I had a good amount of veggies in it. Today's recipe was:

2 oranges
2 handfuls of green grapes
2 handfuls of spinach leaves
3 stalks of kale
9 cherry tomatoes
15 baby carrots
1 English cucumber

It mostly tasted like cucumber, so it wasn't too bad. The only issue I am having is the fact that it's not a smooth juice, there is pulp in it. I have to stir and then drink so that it's not so bad. I hate hate hate pulp in my drinks, won't drink orange juice with it, so it really bothers me. I find that if I make it ice cold and stir before I take a sip, it isn't as bad and I can tolerate it.

I think I am going to weigh myself tonight and see what happens. I am pretty sure I haven't lost anything, but I have been doing really well with taking walks every night at work and worked my butt off at Zumba this weekend. I am hoping that this is helping!!

Go forth and inspire

Ugh. Failure sucks

I have not been doing well with this. Again need to restart my fast. I didn't have any time to make juice yesterday. I didn't eat terrible foods, but still, it wasn't juice.

I have been through some emotional stuff this weekend, stuff that is a trigger for eating, which is never good. I am going to possibly go to therapy so I can work out some of these issues and get over everything I have been dealing with so that I can move on and be happy with my life.

I guess that is all I have to write without getting in to too much detail.

Day 1 part Deux

So I am starting over again. I fell into a little pit after day 6, but here I am, ready to go again. I made a fantastic pitcher of juice this morning that included:

1 package of strawberries
2 cups each of red grapes and green grapes
2 oranges
2 kiwi
2 pears
5 kale leaves
1 flax seed capsule
2 Green tea extract capsules
8 ounces of Grapefruit Polar Seltzer

It is delicious. Good way to kick off my new start. I am going to have to have a fruit at the end of the day however that is more veggie than it is fruit because sadly I cannot have this every day. There is a recipe for a drink called the Mean Green, I am going to try that and see how it goes. If not, I will tweak it a tad.

I brought Cody to a butterfly sanctuary today, and then out to BK for lunch after. I however did not eat anything while I was there. Partly because I am sick of BK after having eaten it so much in the past, and partly because I know that I shouldn't be eating it!

After we got home I poured myself a glass of juice, and now I am having another glass. Will have one more before bed and then it's a whole new day tomorrow. I am bringing my pitcher of juice with me to my grandmother's house for Easter. As much as I love her cooking, I really need to do this. If it were Thanksgiving dinner however, that would be a whole different story :)

In other news, I am doing a persuasive speech in class about social media outlets and how they are addictive, so I will not be posting on here tomorrow or Monday. I am having a social media 48 hour blackout and recording my feelings and what happens over those two days. I am going to log out of Facebook, Blogspot, Twitter (Not that I use that one much anyway) and Foursquare. All applications and notifications dealing with these will be turned off on my phone and my iPad, and if I get an email that has notifications in it, I am simply going to delete and not look. So when you don't hear from me until Tuesday, fear not. I have not fallen off of the wagon again, I am just experimenting.

Go forth and inspire

Starting over

I need to reboot my reboot. I bought a new scale and apparently the WiiFit scale was lying to me. I have still lost inches, but not the pounds. :(

I slipped and had Cheez Its today and only had 24 ounces total of juice. I am trying not to be depressed over the fact that I have not lost the weight that I thought I had, however I know that I have some bloating water weight going on right now, so that is attributing for at least a few pounds. I am also sad about the fact that I couldn't even hold it together for a full week, I had crackers quite a bit.

So tomorrow, I start anew. I am erasing any totals that I had from my mind and starting fresh. I need to think of some new ways to keep my hunger in check and keep myself motivated to stay away from any and all types of food.

I have continued the exercise however, went for a walk on break with coworkers that equaled a quarter of a mile (Would have been more but we were only allotted 15 minutes to walk).

Tomorrow I have an endoscopy and biopsy of my stomach and esophagus, so I cannot have any juice tonight or tomorrow morning. I will have to wait until I am back home for that which may not be until 11 or so depending on how long it takes to come out of anesthesia.

I really want to do this. I do. I just need to find a better way to deal with my lack of willpower. I need to get myself into the mindset that if I let the juice do it's job, I will be in a really good place, I will feel good, I will look good for the first time in my life, and may even be able to get my shamble of a life back in order.

So tomorrow is a new day. Still I tell you:

Go forth and inspire.

Weigh in day is almost here...but....

It's that time of the month. Not that anyone really wants to know that, but this is going to completely mess up my measurements and my weight. If I wait until day 14 it will be and even bigger shock right? I can wait until then. I have been doing well. Have had a few slip ups here and there where I have had some crackers, but I can't expect myself to be perfect because I have never done anything like this before.

I have managed to get a good amount of veggies into my drink without having it taste like crap, so I should have a good balance right now. The only thing that I am worried about is the kale, because it has Vitamin K which is a blood clotting agent. I am still trying to get in touch with my doctor about that. (For those that don't know, the NuvaRing gave me blood clots in both lungs in 2006 and now I have to be super careful about this kind of stuff).

But all in all still feeling good, good energy. My co-worker and I did three laps around our building tonight at a moderate pace. I am not sure how far it is, I am going to try to remember my pedometer for tomorrow just to see.

Other than that, not much to report. Now I need to get some sleep because Cody will be here in t-minus 4 hours and 20 minutes and I have A LOT to do tomorrow.

Go forth and inspire.

Getting easier and easier

I have learned a lot over these last 5 days.

1. Veggies taste terrible juiced
2. Cabbage makes me want to throw up
3. Fruits are so much better
4. Slowly mixing veggies in with said fruit is the best way to go
5. Seltzer gives it an extra punch
6. I can do this!

I have already lost 2 inches from my waist! Nothing to sneeze at!!

I am going for 10 pounds by day 7, but with certain things coming this week, I have a little extra water weight going on so we shall see I suppose!

Today my juice consisted of:

1/4 watermelon
1 cup cantelope
1 cup honeydew
2 cups strawberries
2 cups grapes
5 celery stalks
4 kale leaves
20 baby carrots
1 very large cucumber
2 oranges
1 pear
1 macintosh apple
8 ounces ruby red grapefruit seltzer

It tasted great!!! I am slowly adding in more veggies as I go so that I can get the taste down to where it's bearable. :)

I am also adding in 2 caplets of Green Tea extract which helps to burn fat and also is a mood elevator, and 1 caplet of flax seed oil.

I had a ton of energy today, woke up an hour and a half before my alarm and I was up and ready to get juicing. I really look forward to it in the morning.

Before this whole experience, I would let dishes sit in the sink for a while because I just wouldn't feel like doing them. Now however, I have to clean the juicer right away or else it will smell funky, and it is helping me to wash my other dishes as soon as I use them as well.

Today was hard because I went Easter basket shopping for my son. Picking out all this yummy candy for him and not being able to have any is tough, but it's just candy. I will not die without it.

Tomorrow I will be doing a 1 hour Zumba workout with a friend, and also on Friday as well. I am hoping that twice a week can become a routine for me, but I am worried about the cost. I will see how it goes. I was worried about the cost of juicing too, but honestly, it's not that bad. No worse that what I was spending on Subway or other foods every day! And Cody likes the juice too so I can give him some in the morning with breakfast and get him vitamins and minerals in as well.

Now it is off to bed for me. I need to get some rest so I can be up and ready for Zumba and the busy day that follows tomorrow.

Go forth and be inspired.

I think I'm going to cry...

I am down 5 pounds. 5 freaking pounds. In three days. I just can't wrap my head around that. Before, to lose 5 pounds would have taken at least month. Now, I know you are probably thinking that it's just normal daily fluctuation, and I was thinking that too..until I measured myself as well. I have lost an inch from my waist and an inch from my hips, so something is disappearing!!!

I really want to cry right now, this may actually work. I could very well get to under 200 pounds by the time I am done with this, something I have not been in a long long time.

This morning I made my juice out of:

4 strawberries
1 pear
2 macintosh apples
2 cups of green grapes
2 kiwi
2 kale leaves
10 oz of grapefruit Polar seltzer

and guess what?

IT TASTES FANTASTIC!!

So now I am just going to incorporate veggies little by little so that I can become accustomed to the taste.

This is really happening....

More later today.

:D

Day 3 - 3 pounds down

According to my Wii Fit I am 3 pounds down. This could attribute to many different things though as we all fluctuate daily. But maybe it is a sign of good things to come.



I am still having trouble drinking this juice. It is terrible. From now on I am going all fruit, with 1 or 2 kale leaves and that's it, and adding protein powder to the mix for the other nutrients I may miss out on. The veggies are just nasty. I almost threw up drinking my purple passion juice today because of the cabbage. Maybe I had too much in there, but I couldn't taste the blueberries or the grapes at all. It was terrible.

I did get some good exercise today though. I brought my son to this place called Cowabunga's, they have a ton of inflatable stuff that you can jump on with the kids. It was super fun and I was sweating!

Tonight is my night without my son. Normally I would go shopping, or go out to the club with friends, but tonight I am just going to stay in. I don't want the temptation of being out where there is food that is easily accessible. So for now I am going to lie in bed and watch some Grey's Anatomy and get a good night's sleep tonight. Sounds like a plan to me!

Harder than I thought it would be

Day 2 and I am having a rough time. I had the juice for breakfast and was fine, had another glass before work and was fine, but once I got to work it all went to hell.

I brought a pitcher of juice with me to ensure that I would have enough for the night. I did drink the juice but I was still starving. I drank a lot of water as well. I ended up slipping and having a few Wheat Thins.

I had NO energy tonight. This morning was great, I managed to get a lot done, but then once I got to work, I was falling asleep at my keyboard and I didn't even want to get out of my chair.

I have my juice ready to go for the morning, and I am going to continue to stick with this as I have seen the benefits, but it's hard because this is a whole new animal for me.

I took my measurements this morning too, bought a tape measure and a new scale in order to keep track.

Chest - 54
Waist - 50
Hips - 59

UGH. I HAVE to stick with this. I can't live like this anymore.

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance

Here we are. Day 1. I picked up my juicer this afternoon and promptly scurried to Market Basket for some vittles. I picked up all of the following for under $20:

Bunch of Kale - Will last at least 4 days
2 heads of cabbage - 4 days at least
6 Apples - 3 days
1 pear - 1 day
2 Cucumbers - 2 days
Bag of celery - 4 days
Green Grapes - 4 days
Carrots - 4 days
6 Kiwi - 6 days
2 Lemons - 2 days

I think that was it, there may have been more but I can't remember.

So this morning my first juice consisted of:



4 Kale leaves
a handful of grapes
1 Macintosh Apple
4 whole carrots



It wasn't bad, but wasn't great either. Too much kale.

Then for dinner and late night snackage I used:

3 kale leaves
20 baby carrots
1 kiwi
2 macintosh apples
1 lemon
1 banana
Handful of grapes
4 celery stalks

This time around it was pretty decent. I have found a few recipes that look really tasty, I am going to try one out for breakfast tomorrow.

Today wasn't entirely juice as I didn't get all my goodies until 1pm, I had oatmeal for breakfast with a small cup of 1% milk, and at work finished off the little bit of Cracker Barrel cheddar and reduced fat Wheat Thins that I had. Can't let that cheese go to waste!

Not bad for my first day! I drank a lot of water, the appropriate amount of juice, and I really wasn't hungry at all. Feeling good.

Here are my starting measurements and photos (not excited about putting this stuff up here, but I have to do it in order to look back and see how far I have come)

Starting weight - 284.5
Starting BMI - 42.1
Waist, chest, hips will come later as I don't have a tape measure and Rite Aid was closed for inventory tonight.

I am going to post my stats and photos once a week when I weigh myself in

Beginning photos (these are bad, will take better in a week)

Front:




Side:

Goodbye to food for 60 days

No, do not worry, I am not starving myself. In case you hadn't read about it, I have become completely inspired by Joe Cross and the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I recommend everyone watch this movie, whether you want to lose weight or not.

Tomorrow I begin my juicing journey. I pick up my juicer after Zumba and produce before work to start my 60 juicing journey. There have been many inspiring stories on Facebook and I look forward to becoming one of those inspirations.

I am going to begin adding photos to this blog. I am going to wear clothes that are not baggy and take photos of myself, front and side view, so I can see, and you all can see the progress that I am making, and hopefully cheer me on.

Now for those of you thinking, no food for 60 days??? That is insane, that is not healthy. I have spoken to my primary physician already and they think it is a great idea. All the protein, vitamins, and nutrients are in the veggies and fruits that I will be juicing. I am going to be getting regular check ups to ensure that I am safe and getting healthy.

By this time in May...I could actually be shopping for a bathing suit....something I have not done in a very long time.

Wish me luck, criticize me, do what you wish, just do not try and stop me. I am ready, I am willing, I am excited. Get ready world, the skinny me is about to be unleashed.

New Motivations

Guess I really need to kick my ass in gear now!

I want to donate a kidney to a family member who really needs it. I am relatively healthy despite the heartburn and the PCOS, and the fact that I am fat.

I was told this morning that I cannot go for further testing to be a donor until I lose at least 50 pounds. That is such a huge amount and seems like it is going to be so hard. I really need to get into gear and figure out a plan. I know I have a huge support system so I just need to take advantage of that support.

The hardest part is the motivation for me. I am never motivated enough to get up and exercise. My husband left, I do not want another relationship, so I just don't care what I look like. At this point however, there is a HUGE reason for me to lose the weight and it's so important.

So I have an action plan in mind, I am hoping that I can actually get the motivation to do it to lose this weight quickly so I can help this person out.

• Start the "Subway diet". I already eat there almost every day, I just need to change up what I actually eat there.

• Get veggies and low-sugar fruits to snack on all night at work so I don't snack on other bad meals

• Keep an honest food diary and make sure that I stick with it so that I can see what I am really putting into my body, and post it here every night. Even if no one else reads it, I will.

• Hook up the Wii and start doing Wii fit for half an hour a day plus walking for at least half and hour every single day.

• Try going to Zumba on Friday mornings

• Seek counseling help to add some extra encouragement or motivation

So that's my plan, I will need all the support that I can get. This is an extremely important issue.

Lesson: Sterilization FRICKEN HURTS!!!

Yup. I got sterilized on Friday. Everything went really well. I was not a fan of the first half hour after coming out of the anesthesia, but it hasn't been to horrible. The pain is immense, but I knew it was coming and have been trying not to take many pain meds. The meds they did give me don't help at all, so I guess it's better to not bother taking them at all! All in all, it was worth it, risking my life to get pregnant again is just not worth it to me, not to mention I do not want another child.

I don't really have a huge amount to blog right now as I am extremely exhausted and can't even think right now. Game time soon, GO GIANTS!!

Because You Can't Change Something That You Don't Understand

Well, it has been quite a while since I have even thought about this blog. Overtime at work has gotten the best of me, as has an over-abundance of bills. I have been behind on everything and have been working insane hours to try and keep up. I had a roommate for a month, and then she left. I have another moving in tomorrow, hopefully she will stay a little longer.

I wish I could come back from my hiatus and report that I have lost weight, am eating healthy, and have been exercising. In reality however, I have been eating terribly, have been horribly depressed, stopped going to the gym all together, and haven't lost a thing.

I donate $20 a month to help keep Planet Fitness running. I should feel good about that right? Community service, charity and all. I have just been too tired to go. The only time that I have time to go is at 2am when I get out of work. If I go there for an hour, come home, wind down, I am in bed by 4am, and then I have to wake up at 6:30am when Cody comes back to the house. That just doesn't work. Sleep trumps exercise. Money trumps sleep. Exercise trumps nothing. It's an epic battle of rock-paper-scissors with my life.

So, exercise is nil. Love, yeah that has gone right out the window and will never come back. I am dealing with the fact that I will never be in a relationship again. It's not that I don't want to be eventually, it's just that I don't feel that I am good enough for anyone. The male species doesn't even look my way or give me the time of day because I am not skinny, I don't have the usual attractive female features. I am fat. Guys don't like fat girls. Some can say they do but when it comes right down to it, no matter how awesome personalities are, given the chance to be with one or the other, they will take the fit chick. Almost every time. I have had interests, but none have been reciprocated, so I am going to take this down as a loss and move on.

Work gets more and more frustrating every day. I put in so much effort and it seems to go unnoticed. I don't need fanfare, I don't need a parade or anything. I would just for once like someone to say that I am doing a great job and that I am headed places. It doesn't seem like I am going to get very far unless I become more assertive which is not in my nature at all.

So that leave us with diet. What diet? The eat what I want when I want diet. I am not hungry. Usually during the day, I am not hungry in the least. And yet I still feel the need to eat. When I am sitting at work, I am doing my thing, not hungry in the least, and yet I still get this overwhelming urge to snack that takes control. Granted I have at least been keeping decent stuff to eat at my desk so that it doesn't turn out too horribly, but I should not be eating when I am not hungry. I need to find something that distracts my brain so I don't think about food at all. I don't have the money to buy good food at the grocery store, so I am forced to buy Ramen, or Kraft, or plain old bread and peanut butter. I buy frozen veggies and soup every now and then but I really have to be in the mood for them. Tonight my supper was cotton candy ice cream with gummy bears. Great supper huh?

I need to get out of my funk. I think the first place I need to start is a therapist. I need to talk out my feelings with someone who is impartial, who will listen, and who may be able to pinpoint why I am so horribly depressed. (Although I am pretty sure I can pinpoint the root of it). From there who knows what will happen, but we will see I suppose. (Having major deja vu right now)

So that is my rant and self-loathing for the night. Take it as you will.