Because I'm Happy!!!

So since I have dropped almost 30 pounds at this point and have been able to wear dresses that I could never wear before I have noticed something...it is fun to be a girl! I can wear make-up and a dress and actually feel great about how I look instead of wearing pants all the time and shirts that are too big for me to cover everything up. It is all about the cut and cling with the clothing that I have been wearing. I am finding out more and more what works and what doesn't work when it comes to dresses. I have been getting compliments from people out at the bar that I go to on how I look which is amazing. It feels great to have people say that I look good!

With all of this new confidence I have also been able to let go of past relationships. I don't have to hold on to things that aren't a part of my life anymore. That has been one of the most liberating things for me. I am someone who swore up and down that I would never be in another relationship again after the damage that was done. But here I am, developing feelings for people and even wanting to start a relationship. I am ready. Even though the person that I would have liked to be in a relationship with isn't the right one at this point in time, it is still a step forward in knowing that I really am okay. I have let go of the past and am looking towards the future. I am at a point where I am so happy with life and loving the way things are going that I feel like I can be happy in other areas of my life as well. I now love myself, even if I am not yet at the weight I would want, which means that I can open myself up to caring for someone else too. It's a good feeling.

I have been slipping a bit with the foods that I have been eating but I have not been gaining weight. I have made sure that even when I do slip I don't backtrack. I simply stay on the same path that I have been. The biggest issue that I have is sleep. I don't get nearly enough (I say as I am typing this less than 4 hours before work and I have yet to go to bed). I can tell that sleep is a huge part of this process as I gain quite a bit of weight from day to day when I haven't had sleep. I am just having so much fun going out and being around people who I truly enjoy being around that sleep falls to the bottom or the priorities list.

The most important part is that I'm HAPPY. I love life. I love the people I have in my life. I love my amazing son. I love the fact that I am able to look in the mirror and think that I look good. I love that I get the chance to go out and be around the people that make me even happier. I love that finally, for the first time in a long long long long time, I want to be around others instead of in bed thinking about how depressed I am. You know why? Because I am not depressed anymore!

To everyone who has helped me along in this journey, to those who compliment the way that I dress, and to all of those who have told me I am beautiful...THANK YOU. I love you all and am so thankful every day that I get to have people like you in my life.

I Think a Change...Did Me Some Good

I kind of love clothes shopping now. Even though I am only down 2 dress sizes and still have to wear plus-sized stuff I have come to terms with what looks good and what does not. Before I would buy the biggest thing possible to hide any curves that I had. Now I am figuring out what is flattering and wearing clothes that are actually my size. I have been going on a dress buying spree lately and have been loving it. 

Yesterday I found a dress that I really wanted but was a little more $ than I wanted to spend. I consoled myself by saying that it wouldn't look good on me anyway and so I went to try it on in the dressing room, prepared to see how horrible it would look. Well guess what? It didn't look horrible at all. It looked great, fit great, and is so comfortable. Long story short I found coupons, and I bought it. I am so excited to wear it out tonight even though it is freezing out and not dress weather at all. This is me not caring!!

I have never liked going clothes shopping before. It was something that I had to do when I needed something new but most of the time I would wear hoodies. I didn't care if it was 90 degrees out, I wanted to hide my body because I was ashamed. As I have gone along in this process I have given up caring about what other people think about me. If they don't like the way I look, that is their prerogative. If I am comfortable in something I am going to wear it. I like this confidence.

My new attitude towards my body has drastically impacted my attitude with other things as well. I am more outgoing, I am happier, and I am not ashamed of who I am anymore.

I am 25 pounds lighter and so much happier than I have been in a long long time. 

Cravings...You Will Not Take Over

Today has been unnecessarily stressful. Usually when I am stressed out I eat. Part of the reason I got to the place that I did. I am craving a pizza so badly right now. I even went so far as to open my internet browser and head over to papajohns.com. I closed it and said no. Then a few minutes later I opened it again and logged in. I closed it again and said no. I opened it once more, logged in, put in my promo code and put my order together. I sat and looked at the checkout cart. Looked at all of the carbs, sodium, fat, and calories staring me in the face. That little voice in my head kept saying no no no no no. It isn't worth it.

I got up and walked into the bathroom. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I studied my lower abdomen which has become considerably smaller since I started this journey. I know I didn't get here by eating pizza. I didn't lose the weight I have lost so far by giving in to cravings and thinking "Tomorrow is another day, I can make it up tomorrow by eating well".

I sat back down and looked at the screen. I stared at it. I started at it for about 10 minutes before I closed the tab again. I am trying as hard as I can to fight that urge to order the pizza. It would be so easy. Just push the checkout button and boom. Stress gone. For about half an hour. Then I would spend the rest of the night stressing about how horribly I ate today and how awful the scale numbers are going to be tomorrow.

This is why depriving yourself of all of the foods that you used to eat is a bad thing. The cravings are horrible. On the other hand you can let yourself have certain things such as pizza in moderation as long as you stay under your calorie goal. However I know that once that pizza is in front of me there is no stopping me. It's like dumping chum in front of a shark. With that thought of a lack of self-control I know that I cannot order that pizza. I need to suck it up and eat something healthy. The cravings are not going to go away overnight but the important part is not giving in to them.

Sodium Is Killing Me!!!

I hate salty foods. I am not a salt kind of person. But every time I find a food that I like there is so much sodium in it it's not even funny. Like an egg white flatbread sandwich from Subway has over 1,800mg of sodium. That is an entire day's worth in one meal. I had a lot of sodium at dinner last night and paid for it in water weight on the scale this morning. Today I managed to stay under 1,000mg but I had to be really choosy about what I ate.

I was slightly disappointed to find that my cherry tomato and mozzarella cheese ball salad from Market Basket was so high in saturated fats because of the cheese but I looked some stuff and found out that it is not necessarily a bad thing. Fat and calories add up quickly so the more fat (preferably healthy fat) foods that you eat the less likely you are to overeat because you will have hit your calorie limit. Moderation is key I suppose! So I happily ate my cherry tomatoes and mozzarella cheese.

I did great with food today and had a lot of water to drink. On my first fifteen minute break at work today I went into the fitness room and did 15 minutes on the treadmill. It barely amounted to any distance but I burned 100 calories in 15 minutes so I would call that a success. I was going to do it on my last 15 too but didn't end up taking a second break.

I think I may have pushed myself a little too far yesterday. I walked around the loop we have at the office twice which equaled one mile. Then while I was on my lunch I did a hyped up cardio workout on the treadmill and have been dizzy ever since. I was extremely dizzy all day yesterday. It has mostly disappeared at this point but that is another reason I took it easy today. I am not sure why that happened but I know what my limit is I guess! The challenge will be working out tomorrow as I will be back at home without a treadmill or a nice campus to walk around. Youtube videos it is.

Breakfast - Greek Coco Almond Flip yogurt

Morning snack post workout - Almonds and a string cheese

Lunch - Half of a sesame roasted carrot and wheat bulger spinach salad, cherry tomatoes, mozzarella cheese balls

Afternoon snack - Italian macaroni salad

Dinner - Half of a small chicken pot pit

No evening snack.

Fell Off Track a Bit

I seemed to all off track for a bit there. I am not sure why, I just started eating badly again. I think it was because I was bored since I was broke and couldn't go anywhere. That is definitely something I have to overcome. I ended up gaining six pounds back (and ended up back in the 300 club) due to my week-long bad diet. In the last few days I have made attempts to correct this and only have 2 pounds until I am back to what I had been.

I hate how hot it had been lately, that doesn't motivate me to go out and walk. Especially when I have Cody. It hasn't cooled down enough at night to go out in the evening and I am not taking munchkin for a walk in the city at night. I did however get out and walk on both of my 15 minute breaks at work when I was in the office the other day. We have a nice campus to walk around and a path that equals a half of a mile. I walked the full path twice and then walked a shortened version once. I am going to do the same tomorrow when I am in the office again. I also eat well when I am at the office because I don't have the urge to snack all day. They have a salad bar in the cafe which makes it easy to eat well. Not enough of a draw for me to want to be back in the office full time (which I can't do anyway)

I have figured out through this process so far that sodium is my enemy. If I go overboard on sodium content for the day I gain water weight. I need to find more ways to cut down on sodium. I have been very aware of how much I am eating and look at the labels on everything. The problem is deli meat. I like to get Subway subs but the sodium content can be a little high depending on what meat I get. I will never get the breakfast sandwiches there again because they have almost 1,900 mg of sodium per sandwich. Their turkey subs are pretty low in sodium so I don't mind eating those.

I enrolled in a challenge for the month of June on MyFitnessPal to help me to stay motivated and push me to keep good eating habits. The goal is to lose 10 pounds by the end of the month. I had originally set a goal of 10 pounds by June 15th but with my setback and gaining weight in the last week I don't think that is going to be realistic (although you never know). I want to lose 10 pounds per month either way. The challenge has us record our weight, what worked and didn't work for the week, and how we think we can improve for the next week. We shall see how that goes.

I am noticing that my clothes fit better so even though I gained some of the water weight I have still been losing inches. My favorite pajama pants fall off now unless I roll the waist a bit. I am happy that I am falling out of my clothes at this point but sad because I love those pants. I have kept some of my favorite clothes from when I was lighter so that I have motivation to be able to fit into them again. They are hanging in my closet just waiting for me to put on. I have definitely lost inches in my lower abdomen and my butt is disappearing (woo hoo!). I can tell a difference in my face and neck as well.

So here's to getting back on track even though I didn't really fall that badly off of the path.

Little Victories

I started my weight loss journey in mid-April at 315 pounds (the highest I have ever been). I lost 10 pounds in the first 11 days. Then I went to Disney. Lol. I did not gain a single pound while I was on vacation but I also didn't lose anything (I was eating too few calories for the amount of walking that I was doing). When I got back from vacation I was too tired to bother with groceries. This lead to some unhealthy eating for about a week. After that week I went back up to 308. That was last week. This morning I weighed in at 300.

Warning: Long-winded post.

Taking a big leap here saying how much I weigh because I have been embarrassed for so long about it. But now that I am taking control I am proud to post the numbers and how much they have gone and will continue to go down.



When I started this I set my first goal and made sure that it wasn't anything huge so that I wouldn't lose motivation easily. I set a goal to get out of the 300 club. I almost cried this morning when I saw that I am just .8 pounds away from hitting my first goal.

I have tried since I was a teenager to lose weight. It has never worked and I just kept gaining and gaining but didn't know why. Eventually I gave up on caring after I was diagnosed with PCOS because it seemed hopeless. I went from 175 in 2006 (the weight I was just after I had my son) to my highest at 315 last month in 2015. Most of that weight was gained in the first two years or so and just never went down.

In 2009 my husband left. He moved out and we were on again off again until he found someone else, then when they left he would come running back. I was emotionally spent from the divorce and allowed myself to engage in this behavior. He remarried in 2013 and I went out of control with junk food binges. I was so depressed and kept telling myself that his marriage to her was working better (or so I thought from the outside) than ours ever did and it was all my fault because I was fat and he left because of that.

Finally in April I told his a$$ off. I was done with him stringing me along and talking to me only when it was convenient for him. I was done being depressed over a relationship that was crappy from the start. It was time to focus on my son and I and get him out of my life as much as possible. I have cut almost all communication with him with the exception of emails about our son. As soon as I snapped I realized that I needed to take care of myself and get back to being the happy person that I was before I ever met him.

So in this very long-winded post I guess what I am trying to say is that tomorrow or the day after I have a feeling I will be celebrating my first goal being met. I will be celebrating my independence. I will be celebrating finally feeling like myself and being truly happy with my life. I will be celebrating being out of the 300 club forever.

Little victories.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Goodbye, Florida. It was absolutely AMAZING. I didn't want to come back but real life calls.

Over the 9 days I was on vacation I actually ate pretty well. I was amazed at the healthy foods that were available in the Disney parks. I had salads most of the time with my string cheese and almonds for snacks through the day. I loved that you could bring food into the parks, it was very helpful. The only thing I had a problem with was not eating enough calories as compared to how many I was burning.

I have to say though I must have been doing something right because when I got on the plane to head to Florida I had to fight tooth and nail to get the seatbelt to click in. This morning when I got on the plane I didn't have to fight with it and even had several inches of room left! I looked in the mirror today and can tell I have lost some of my lower abdomen and waist. I was expecting to see the number on the scale go down as well but it said I gained 2 pounds. Going from losing a pound every day to gaining weight was discouraging but I am wondering if it was because of all of the water I drank yesterday, (over 90 ounces, it was HOT) or if it is muscle being built up from walking? Either way I am not going to let it get me down.

Today I went grocery shopping once I got back home and remembered I had nothing to eat in the house. I went on an empty stomach which is usually a bad thing for me but I did really well:

Avocado
Bananas
Broccoli
Seltzer galore (found some Polar flavors that are disappearing soon)
Low carb/low sugar froyo and sorbet to curb my sweet tooth
Rotisserie chicken
92% lean ground chicken
Turkey bacon
Lots of Greek yogurt
Peanuts (dry roasted, unsalted)
Milk

All in all pretty good stuff. So I am going to keep chugging along now that I am back to reality and hope that I can continue losing inches so that I can take my son to Six Flags next year.

Feeling Great!!!

Although I haven't really been eating enough calories as compared to what I am burning here, I have been able to maintain a relatively healthy diet (with the exception of the first day here). In Hollywood Studios the other day one of the restaurants had a cucumber and papaya salad with grilled chicken on it. It was absolutely delicious! I have been eating mozzarella string cheese and almonds for snacks, my Greek yogurt and almonds for breakfast, and then dinners have been salads or like yesterday, Subway.

So far we have walked a total of 80,000 steps in six days. It is crazy! Other than a pair of achy feet I am feeling great. I will definitely appreciate a day of sleep when I get home though.

Now we are off to Seaworld which will present a little more of a challenge as you are not allowed to bring food in. But I will try to be good!

I am pretty excited to see how much weight I have lost on this vacation...

Vacation Eating....Yikes

Sooooo my first day in Disney...not so good on the meals. Lol. I had a good breakfast but it pretty much went downhill from there. As soon as we got our rental car Cody was starving and the only stuff around was either fast food or a sit down restaurant (which at the time I didn't think we have time for as I was planning on going to the shuttle launch). So I did not eat well for lunch and had a lot of sugar at dinner thanks to my drink.

I did however walk over 12,000 steps and swam for an hour so I got quite a bit of activity in! Today we are going to Magic Kingdom and you can bring food in. I have a lunch bag with an ice pack, Lunchables for Cody and salad for me. I am also bringing almonds and string cheese for snacks as well as a bottle of water. So hopefully today will be a little better!

Breakfast: Yoplait lite Strawberry and Banana yogurt, 1 scrambled egg

Snack: Airplane peanuts and Ritz Baked Chips

Lunch: Taco Bell Crunchwrap and crunchy taco (but little victory I got water to drink instead of soda)

Dinner: Half of a chicken quesedilla, requested light on the cheese. Cotton Candy-tini...oh so good but full of sugar I am sure!

Double Digits Club

It feels really nice to see the number 10 in front of Pounds Lost on my MyFitnessPal tracker. I have never been able to actually lose weight and keep it off for even a day or two so it is nice to see something is working. I know that the drops will slow down soon but as long as the numbers continue to fall I am alright with it. I didn't lose anything today but I also didn't gain anything so that is a big plus.

Now comes the hard part....Disney. I am going to have to do a lot of planning but I think that I can make it work. I know what snacks I will be bringing with me, I know that I will have a good breakfast, the worst part will be dinner. We can bring lunches into the park along with bottled water so I am not worried about at least 2 meals of the day!

Today I did well and even drank a lot more water than I usually do. We fly out in the morning and then it's no scale for over a week. Should be interesting to see if that last 5 pounds disappears while we are in Florida. I can do it if I manage my diet right!

Breakfast: Chobani Flips Greek Coco Loco Yogurt

Snack: Old Wisconsin Turkey Bites & Cocoa Roasted Almonds

Lunch: Subway Turkey Sub, Lays Baked Chips

Dinner: Chicken thigh meat, 2 salads with red peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, low fat cheese, and spring mix.

Snack: Old Wisconsin Turkey Bites


Now it's off to bed, big day tomorrow!!! Florida here we come!!!

Slipped But Still Lost

So yesterday was pretty good but I slipped a little bit. Yet I somehow managed to lose weight still. Lol.

Yesterday morning I hadn't lost any weight but didn't want to let that discourage me. I did however slip during the day and had some Pop Tarts but did a super hard aerobic workout to help burn some of it off. Today is going to involve a lot of walking and some healthy eating at a Mexican restaurant. I have done research and found a meal that with a few tweaks is semi-low calorie and has protein in it with veggies.

Tomorrow we leave for vacation. I have made a list of healthy snacks and breakfast foods to pick up for Cody and I to carry around while we are walking around Disney. I will have almonds and cheesesticks and turkey pepperoni on hand at all times. They are all low calorie, no sugar, and plenty of protein. Dinners are going to be my biggest worry but I am sure if I am careful I can figure out how to eat sensibly in the parks.

I am going to return the fitness tracker band that I bought at Walmart the other day and get a Fitbit Flex. I didn't realize that the one I got was not water resistant at all and I want something I can wear while I am swimming or going on water rides. There is one in Nashua for $60 that I am going to pick up this morning. I like having the fitness tracker on me though, it's nice to know how many steps I am actually taking per day as opposed to having to guess because of the phone pedometer which is wildly inaccurate.


Breakfast: Chobani Greek Yogurt - Indulgent Raspberry and Dark Chocolate

Snack: Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts....BAD

Lunch: Double Chicken Chopped Salad from Subway. No dressing, loaded with veggies + avocado. Edy's No Sugar Added Ice Cream (I have managed to keep my servings to the actual serving size!)

Snack: Emerald Almonds Cinnamon Roasted 100 Calorie Pack

Dinner: I wasn't really hungry by the time I got home so I had turkey pepperoni and a string cheese.

Hard To Believe...

This is actually working...hard to believe it!

I haven't even put in heavy duty exercise and I am dropping a pound per day. I do aerobics in the morning and try to get some walking in during the day but I don't try to overdo it. I signed myself up for my first ever road race, the Mother's Day 3K. I signed Cody up with me, I want to try and get him to be more active as well. I am fortunate to have a great support group of friends that will be in the race as well.

I did well yesterday with my calorie intake even though I went out and had drinks at the bar. I controlled myself though and made sure that I lessened the amount of sugar that I drank and I drank a full glass of water with every drink.

Another pound gone. I am only 6 pounds away from my first mini goal. I feel like if I set small goals it will help me to continue to be motivated. If I look at the bigger picture I may start to get discouraged so right now it's little steps. I was hoping to hit the mini goal before I went to Disney but even if I don't, I have still done well so far.


Breakfast: Chobani Greek Yogurt w/ Steel cut Oats - Banana Maple

Snack: Hard boiled egg & cinnamon roasted almonds

Lunch: Turkey bacon, rotisserie chicken, and half an avocado on a wheat wrap with baby carrots on the side.

Snack: Hormel turkey pepperoni and a mozzarella/cheddar twist string cheese

Dinner: The other half of my Friendly's Asian chicken salad

Drinks: 9 cups of water through the day, 1 shot of McGillicudy's root beer, Absolut Citron and Stoli blueberry in club soda, Malibu and Diet Coke, and a Bud Light Lime.

Third Time's a Charm?

I know, I know. Yet again, saying I am back at it. This time I'm really going to do it. Blah blah blah. Well so far I have been on a newer and healthier diet, I have been exercising a little bit (aerobics at home and walking more) and I have already dropped 7 pounds in the last week. Not too shabby. Seeing results is a good motivation!

Today I picked up a fitness tracker band so that I can track all of my steps when I am walking around Disney next week. I can't wait to see how much we walk!

I have been logging my food for the last six days and it has really been keeping me accountable for what I am putting into my body. I think that I stress out a little too much about how much protein I am getting vs. carbs and such but I am starting to get the hang of it. The pounds have been melting off and I am not starving at any point in the day so I must be doing something right.

I am hoping to get down another 5 pounds by the time we leave for Disney on Sunday so we will see! Lots of exercise and healthy eating for the rest of the week.

Breakfast: Chobani Flip Greek Yogurt Chocolate Haze Craze

Snack: Mozzarella String Cheese

Lunch: Whole wheat wrap with three strips of turkey bacon, half an avocado, 2 ounces of rotisserie chicken (and it was DELICIOUS). Baby carrots on the side.

Snack: 100 calorie Emerald Cinnamon Roasted Almonds

Eating dinner out win: I brought the munchkin to dinner tonight and we went to Friendly's. I combed over the menu and only looked at the foods that had a green heart next to them which indicated that they were 565 calories or less. I had the Asian Chicken Salad with no dressing and only ate half of it which came out to 235 calories and 14g of protein. It had 10g of fat, most of which was from the almonds on the salad, only 1.5g saturated fat. I allowed myself to have a kid's dish of ice cream as well because I know that completely depriving myself is not good either. I am still under my calories for the day!

I call today a win.