It's the Art of Losing

So I was right about that new position. I did not get it. Not sure who did, but I know it wasn't me. They told me all the reasons that I was a strong candidate for the position, but then told me that my weakness was that I haven't done this program that we have at work that is like a leadership seminar. I really do not want to be involved in this program because I have heard around the way that it isn't worth it because it still doesn't get you anywhere. Who knows. Guess I am going to have to do it if I ever want to make something of myself there.

This along with everything else that has been going on lead me to go on a mini shopping binge. I bought alcohol, I bought these new Dreamsicle Oreos, gummy worms, Pop Tarts (more for Cody than myself but still), and ice cream. However, even with buying all of that, I have hardly touched it. Cookies are still shut, I had a few gummy worms today, haven't touched the half gallon of Red velvet ice cream I bought. I had the alcohol, or some of it anyway, and about half of my Chunky Monkey. At least I was able to restrain myself. The old me would have cleared all of that out in no time flat. Score one for me.

Went back to the doctor this week to see why I was still getting sick even after stopping the meds. All my bloodwork came back normal, but of course, the med that was going to help me lose a little weight is now off the table. No pituitary tumor either which is really good news. No idea why I am still getting sick, it's gradually getting better, but still get slightly nauseous at random times during the day. I guess we will see what the OB has to say and see if there is something else I can go on to help with the insulin resistance.

Today I am just going to try and focus on getting Cody ready for school (which starts on Friday and I cannot wait), and going to try and have a good time tonight at the American Idol concert and then out for karaoke and drinks with some good friends after. Definitely going to stock up on heartburn meds today though.

I guess the best thing that I can do at this point is continue to work my ass off and do the best job that I possibly can and maybe something good will end up coming from it. Who knows.

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

Now put your hands up....

Bad medication + losing your other half + losing out on everything good at work = Bad diet on it's way.

So this new medication I am on, Metformin, is AWFUL. I get sick every single day, the other night I passed out on the bathroom floor because I couldn't make it back to my room long enough to lie down without getting sick. I haven't eaten a full meal that has stayed down in two weeks now. I am exhausted, getting headaches, and just plain worn out. The doctor wants to get me in for an MRI because there is a slight possibility I could have a tumor (most likely non-cancerous) on my pituitary gland. After looking up the symptoms it would certainly make a lot of sense, but we will see I guess.

Because of me being as sick and exhausted as I have been, it led me to let someone down and now I no longer have that someone. Granted I think that decision was quite rash and if he really realized how sick I actually am, that decision would not have been made so hastily, but that is up to him, not me.

At work, yeah, feeling more defeated than ever. I missed out on yet another round of people going work from home, and also do not believe that I am getting that position I applied for that would make everything so much better. Guess I am just going to have to go in for two or three hours of over time during the day while Cody is in school and then do my regular shift so that I can make the extra money. I am not even so much upset about the fact that I won't get the pay increase, but the fact that I KNOW I would be great at this job, but will not be given the chance to show it. I feel like I am never going to go anywhere with this company because I keep getting turned down for advancements. Way to boost morale. I was on the verge of tears last night at work because it's just so disheartening.

I guess that is all for my pity party today. Time to do some transcription and make some dough.

I Want a New Drug, One That Won't Make Me Sick

So I had a visit with my OB today regarding the birth control pill I have been on. It's supposed to be regulating everything, but in fact it's completely screwing with my system. HOWEVER, thanks to the wonderful makers of the NuvaRing, it is the only birth control I can have. I could have the Mirena IUD except that I have no insurance and it costs $1000. Yup, out of the question for now. I wish they would just take everything out and be done with it lol. So I was telling the OB about how I have rearranged my diet, a lot less sugar, no soda, eating healthier foods with more protein, cooking in healthier ways, and yet I am still gaining weight. I told her that I had been working out but I am just too tired at night to do it when I come home from work and cannot go during the day. Until Cody is in school anyway. She told me that my nutritionist and her suspected I was pre-diabetic due to the PCOS and that I needed to regulate that. So I am now on a pill called Metformin. It balances hormones (Which would be fantastic because I cry at EVERYTHING), it helps you to control the insulin output and sugar intake, and helps you to lose weight. So I am on board. I am hoping this will help give my body the push it needs and start to help me on my road to being able to name this Formerly Fat Girl Who Made It In a Skinny World.

Had my interview for the new position today. I may have totally screwed myself, but on the other hand my shift leader may have saved me completely. One answer to a question that gets taken out of context and I could end up losing the position. I clarified and plead my case, and hopefully she will note that. I know that she knows I can do this position, I will be good at it, and I am the right person for it, otherwise I don't think she would have asked me if I would change that answer. So here's to hoping, let's all keep everything crossed that we can. I will hear maybe next week or the week after that.

I guess that is all for now. I am beat.

I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away

Not much has changed here. Still trying desperately to eat breakfast, and with my new-found love of fried eggs (in extra virgin olive oil, not butter), I have been doing really well. I eat two and it fills me up until lunch time. Still for the most part being good about eating a turkey sandwich for lunch, although today I had a few crab rangoon (Steve's fault. He knows he can't put that in front of me!) and had pizza for supper. Oh well. One day will not kill me.

I did however take a major step today. I was brought up always having dessert after supper, so when I eat dinner, I automatically am ready for dessert after a while. I went to the vending machine, got a package of Hostess Suzy Q's, and brought them back to my desk. They sat there for a good forty-five minutes. I opened them, took one bite, and then thought to myself "what am I doing?" and threw them right in the trash without a second thought. Yay me!!!! If it were ice cream, that would be a different story all together. But I was really proud of myself for that. You guys may not think that is anything at all, but trust me, to me that is huge. I also thought about going to Rite Aid and getting some Ben and Jerry's after work as well because I am having a Chunky Monkey withdrawal. I turned into the parking lot, and then turned right back out. I don't need to spend the money and I don't need the ice cream, especially this late at night. So I think I have taken two major steps in one day, thinking about what I am eating, and also thinking about my finances. GO ME.

I am still working like a dog, but this transcription job that I have has really made things easier. I make good money doing it, and I don't have to work all hours of the night. They sign on around 8am and they sign off at midnight, so there is no work for me when I get home. I get bored and go to bed instead of staying up until 5am working.

Tomorrow is my interview for the position that I want at work. I will get a laptop and have some opportunity to work from home (probably not a lot, but a few days here and there) and also it is 2 full pay grades higher, so I will be pulling in at least...hang on, have to calculate...almost $300 more per paycheck ($600 more a month!). And that is at their lowest starting salary. If I get paid the lowest starting salary within the competitive market range which is usually what they do, I will be making...gotta get the calculator again...$450 more per paycheck, which would almost be my rent per month!!!! That would be so amazing to be able to pay rent just with the extra that I would be making and have the rest for my other bills. I could start paying off Leon (who has been so patient I can't believe it), can pay off some debt, get my credit score up, and get a better car loan rate to have even more money per month! Honestly, I would love to have an account to set up where I can throw extra money aside for fun things to do with Steve and Cody, like Red Sox games every couple of weeks, or a weekend at the beach or Storyland or something. My parents always used to take us on these amazing vacations and I would love to be able to do that for Cody because those trips were some of the happiest times of my childhood.

Ok. Long post. Sorry. Didn't mean for that. :) I am done ranting and raving now.

Steve, I love you. Thank you for helping me along the way. <3

(I know, ewww, gross, yuck. Lol)