Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

So yeah. I am in a mood. Won't get into details about some of the stuff that has gone on today, but more of a general vent about stuff from the last few months. I have been so busy it's not even funny, could be why I haven't updated in who knows how long.

Working 13-14 hour days...every weekday. When I am not insane on the weekday I am editing photos like a mad woman on the weekends because that is the only time I have to do it unless I don't sleep, like I am doing right now. There is just so much to do and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I really need to hire a cleaning crew to come in here and just wipe everything out for me. Anyone want to sign me up for a cleaning show on TLC or something? I have been so busy with work lately that I have not had much time to clean, and the little time I did have seemed to be wasted because the stuff I cleaned was dirty again within five minutes. I can't wait to get rid of these damn kittens, that's all I have to say.

I have been following along with my high school reunion page on Facebook, and at first I was excited about it, but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to go. Pretty sure I am not going to be going. There is really no point. The people that I talked to in high school I still talk to for the most part, they already know what has been going on with me. So to that effect, why would I want to go to a room filled with people from high school that tormented me mercilessly because I was fat and ugly, when I am even bigger now than I was then? I have not accomplished much in life, in the middle of divorce that is dragging on and on, haven't completed any meaningful college degrees (my Associates in Lib Arts doesn't mean squat), and I am working at a job that is not what I want to do, am broke as hell, and really have nothing much that is interesting to say to those who didn't like me back then. Why would they care what I am up to now? It is just going to be an adult version of a school dance, only people will be getting drunk. All set with that. Like I said, I still talk to a good portion of the people I was lucky enough to be friends with in high school thanks to the magic of Facebook, and those I don't talk to anymore, well there is a reason. I would rather save the $25 to get in and spend the night hanging out with the munchkin who is one of the only parts of my life that I am actually proud of.

Ok, enough ranting about that.

Looking for a new place to live since the neighbors yet again are becoming intolerable. I really don't want to leave though, I love this apartment for the space, and the layout, and the view of the city. I don't love the parking, or the people living on the second floor who have now made it impossible for me to park in the driveway that I pay for as well. ONE CAR PER APARTMENT. I don't care if your boyfriend's Jeep is getting repossessed and you want to park behind him to stop them from taking it. If they want it, they will get it. Doesn't mean you have to park all the way at the end of the driveway and take up three spaces to block him in. Stop being a douche.

I wish I could move to Goffstown and get Cody into that school system. I was approached by a kid today who couldn't have been more than 12 years old, asking if he could bum a cigarette off me and swearing at me when I told him no because 1. I don't smoke, and 2. He was far too young to need one. He asked the guy in the car in front of me for money and started swearing at the guy when he got nothing. Then there were the little ghetto trash kids beating the crap out of each other for the fun of it, or the circle of kids calling this poor little girl ugly and stupid. I don't want Cody learning this type of behavior, and it sickens me to think that these kids are probably allowed to get away with this at home, if not learning it there. I can't imagine speaking like they did when I was that young, they are so disrespectful. I guess the best that Steve and I can do is teach Cody right from wrong and hope that he has the good sense to listen and be well-behaved. If he ever bullies anyone he is going to military school. I will NOT tolerate that.

Work is finally calming down a little with the insanity that I have been going through for the last few weeks. I was in coaching the new class and still having to be the go-to person for the people on the floor, plus audit other people's work while trying to process my own and it was just too much at once. I felt like a failure because I wasn't able to handle it all, but then I took a step back and realized that I was trying to take on far too much. I spoke with my manager about it and we were able to give me a day where I could just concentrate on the class and my work. Now that I am not in the class anymore and am back to my normal processing, I feel much less stressed. I missed being at my own desk, listening to my shows or music.

My diet, which this whole blog was essentially about, is non-existant. I still have yet to go to the gym, I am just too tired after working so much. I hardly eat, and when I do it's not super healthy, and yet I have lost 10 pounds. I am sure it is not a healthy 10 pounds, more like stress, lack of sleep and lack of food pounds. Hopefully I can get back on track at some point, but right now there is so much to focus on that does not include counting carbs and calories.

I guess that is all for now. I am going to continue my editing and thinking about some of the great things that are coming up this month. The 16th is going to be fantastically relaxing and I cannot wait. I get to spend the whole day with my dad which I have not gotten to do in a long time, plus vacation with Cody is coming up soon as well. Too bad we can't go to Canada...stupid passports.

It's the Art of Losing

So I was right about that new position. I did not get it. Not sure who did, but I know it wasn't me. They told me all the reasons that I was a strong candidate for the position, but then told me that my weakness was that I haven't done this program that we have at work that is like a leadership seminar. I really do not want to be involved in this program because I have heard around the way that it isn't worth it because it still doesn't get you anywhere. Who knows. Guess I am going to have to do it if I ever want to make something of myself there.

This along with everything else that has been going on lead me to go on a mini shopping binge. I bought alcohol, I bought these new Dreamsicle Oreos, gummy worms, Pop Tarts (more for Cody than myself but still), and ice cream. However, even with buying all of that, I have hardly touched it. Cookies are still shut, I had a few gummy worms today, haven't touched the half gallon of Red velvet ice cream I bought. I had the alcohol, or some of it anyway, and about half of my Chunky Monkey. At least I was able to restrain myself. The old me would have cleared all of that out in no time flat. Score one for me.

Went back to the doctor this week to see why I was still getting sick even after stopping the meds. All my bloodwork came back normal, but of course, the med that was going to help me lose a little weight is now off the table. No pituitary tumor either which is really good news. No idea why I am still getting sick, it's gradually getting better, but still get slightly nauseous at random times during the day. I guess we will see what the OB has to say and see if there is something else I can go on to help with the insulin resistance.

Today I am just going to try and focus on getting Cody ready for school (which starts on Friday and I cannot wait), and going to try and have a good time tonight at the American Idol concert and then out for karaoke and drinks with some good friends after. Definitely going to stock up on heartburn meds today though.

I guess the best thing that I can do at this point is continue to work my ass off and do the best job that I possibly can and maybe something good will end up coming from it. Who knows.

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

Now put your hands up....

Bad medication + losing your other half + losing out on everything good at work = Bad diet on it's way.

So this new medication I am on, Metformin, is AWFUL. I get sick every single day, the other night I passed out on the bathroom floor because I couldn't make it back to my room long enough to lie down without getting sick. I haven't eaten a full meal that has stayed down in two weeks now. I am exhausted, getting headaches, and just plain worn out. The doctor wants to get me in for an MRI because there is a slight possibility I could have a tumor (most likely non-cancerous) on my pituitary gland. After looking up the symptoms it would certainly make a lot of sense, but we will see I guess.

Because of me being as sick and exhausted as I have been, it led me to let someone down and now I no longer have that someone. Granted I think that decision was quite rash and if he really realized how sick I actually am, that decision would not have been made so hastily, but that is up to him, not me.

At work, yeah, feeling more defeated than ever. I missed out on yet another round of people going work from home, and also do not believe that I am getting that position I applied for that would make everything so much better. Guess I am just going to have to go in for two or three hours of over time during the day while Cody is in school and then do my regular shift so that I can make the extra money. I am not even so much upset about the fact that I won't get the pay increase, but the fact that I KNOW I would be great at this job, but will not be given the chance to show it. I feel like I am never going to go anywhere with this company because I keep getting turned down for advancements. Way to boost morale. I was on the verge of tears last night at work because it's just so disheartening.

I guess that is all for my pity party today. Time to do some transcription and make some dough.

I Want a New Drug, One That Won't Make Me Sick

So I had a visit with my OB today regarding the birth control pill I have been on. It's supposed to be regulating everything, but in fact it's completely screwing with my system. HOWEVER, thanks to the wonderful makers of the NuvaRing, it is the only birth control I can have. I could have the Mirena IUD except that I have no insurance and it costs $1000. Yup, out of the question for now. I wish they would just take everything out and be done with it lol. So I was telling the OB about how I have rearranged my diet, a lot less sugar, no soda, eating healthier foods with more protein, cooking in healthier ways, and yet I am still gaining weight. I told her that I had been working out but I am just too tired at night to do it when I come home from work and cannot go during the day. Until Cody is in school anyway. She told me that my nutritionist and her suspected I was pre-diabetic due to the PCOS and that I needed to regulate that. So I am now on a pill called Metformin. It balances hormones (Which would be fantastic because I cry at EVERYTHING), it helps you to control the insulin output and sugar intake, and helps you to lose weight. So I am on board. I am hoping this will help give my body the push it needs and start to help me on my road to being able to name this Formerly Fat Girl Who Made It In a Skinny World.

Had my interview for the new position today. I may have totally screwed myself, but on the other hand my shift leader may have saved me completely. One answer to a question that gets taken out of context and I could end up losing the position. I clarified and plead my case, and hopefully she will note that. I know that she knows I can do this position, I will be good at it, and I am the right person for it, otherwise I don't think she would have asked me if I would change that answer. So here's to hoping, let's all keep everything crossed that we can. I will hear maybe next week or the week after that.

I guess that is all for now. I am beat.

I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away

Not much has changed here. Still trying desperately to eat breakfast, and with my new-found love of fried eggs (in extra virgin olive oil, not butter), I have been doing really well. I eat two and it fills me up until lunch time. Still for the most part being good about eating a turkey sandwich for lunch, although today I had a few crab rangoon (Steve's fault. He knows he can't put that in front of me!) and had pizza for supper. Oh well. One day will not kill me.

I did however take a major step today. I was brought up always having dessert after supper, so when I eat dinner, I automatically am ready for dessert after a while. I went to the vending machine, got a package of Hostess Suzy Q's, and brought them back to my desk. They sat there for a good forty-five minutes. I opened them, took one bite, and then thought to myself "what am I doing?" and threw them right in the trash without a second thought. Yay me!!!! If it were ice cream, that would be a different story all together. But I was really proud of myself for that. You guys may not think that is anything at all, but trust me, to me that is huge. I also thought about going to Rite Aid and getting some Ben and Jerry's after work as well because I am having a Chunky Monkey withdrawal. I turned into the parking lot, and then turned right back out. I don't need to spend the money and I don't need the ice cream, especially this late at night. So I think I have taken two major steps in one day, thinking about what I am eating, and also thinking about my finances. GO ME.

I am still working like a dog, but this transcription job that I have has really made things easier. I make good money doing it, and I don't have to work all hours of the night. They sign on around 8am and they sign off at midnight, so there is no work for me when I get home. I get bored and go to bed instead of staying up until 5am working.

Tomorrow is my interview for the position that I want at work. I will get a laptop and have some opportunity to work from home (probably not a lot, but a few days here and there) and also it is 2 full pay grades higher, so I will be pulling in at least...hang on, have to calculate...almost $300 more per paycheck ($600 more a month!). And that is at their lowest starting salary. If I get paid the lowest starting salary within the competitive market range which is usually what they do, I will be making...gotta get the calculator again...$450 more per paycheck, which would almost be my rent per month!!!! That would be so amazing to be able to pay rent just with the extra that I would be making and have the rest for my other bills. I could start paying off Leon (who has been so patient I can't believe it), can pay off some debt, get my credit score up, and get a better car loan rate to have even more money per month! Honestly, I would love to have an account to set up where I can throw extra money aside for fun things to do with Steve and Cody, like Red Sox games every couple of weeks, or a weekend at the beach or Storyland or something. My parents always used to take us on these amazing vacations and I would love to be able to do that for Cody because those trips were some of the happiest times of my childhood.

Ok. Long post. Sorry. Didn't mean for that. :) I am done ranting and raving now.

Steve, I love you. Thank you for helping me along the way. <3

(I know, ewww, gross, yuck. Lol)

Eat the Rich

Apparently I need to make the title of this Fat Girl Trying to Make it in a Rich and Skinny World...

Eat healthy? Would love to. $9 for a package of three chicken breasts? Eesh. With as tight of a budget as I have right now, sometimes that just isn't an option. The last time I went shopping I bought a package of three large chicken breasts, a huge package of stew beef that made 5 portions, and a package of 3 giant steaks which will be enough for 6 meals for me or 3 meals for Steve and I. So that is well over a week of meals for about $15 which isn't bad at all when you think about it, but still, sometimes that $15 needs to stretch a lot further. Sometimes I have to opt for a few containers of deli meat, cheese, and a few loaves of bread instead. Ramen is cheap and highly accessible but is awful for you. But then again, living on a tight budget, sometimes the good stuff is out of reach for the moment.

The other day I had a soda and I realized just how long it has been when I took a sip and it tasted funny. I have never in my life not wanted to finish a soda. I am going to put that down as a score 1 for me. I have been drinking tons of seltzer, which 1. is water, and 2. has nothing in it but flavoring and carbonation. No sodium, no sugar, no aspartame. Nothing. And it tastes good! Thank you Polar Beverages and Hannaford Bros. (I raise my can of Hannaford brand raspberry selzter that I am currently ingesting to you) for helping me to kick my soda addiction. Although it's funny, I have kicked the soda and still have not lost anything. Grrr. Have had a lot less heartburn though!

Exercise...yeah. Non-existent at this point. Far too much work to do to make the extra cash I need to keep going. I will get back at it at some point, but taking care of bills is far more important at this point. I told Steve that I was thinking about getting weights that you strap on your arms and feet and wear them while I was doing housework to give me a little bit more exercise when I am doing stuff I normally do anyway.

I have been doing well on eating breakfast. I have had raisin bran the last few days, pancakes and scrambled eggs one day, and today had toast with a piece of cheese and fried (in extra virgin olive oil) eggs on top. It was really really good. A little less salt next time. I put some pepper and cinnamon on top and voila! Yummmm.




I weighed myself yesterday but with the scale I have it's hard to tell if it's right. That is on my shopping list. It appears that I had lost five pounds, but I am sure it will tell a different story if I step on it right now. Let's go see shall we?

...

Yup, back up another two pounds. I can't say I really trust that scale at all. Time for a new one I suppose.

I guess that is all I have for now, time to get back to transcription. At least my fingers are getting exercise!!!

2 Scoops of Goodness

Ok, so I have been slacking. I haven't wanted to post in a little while due to some issues that came up and put me in stress-mode, and I didn't feel like writing 'pity me' entries. So now I am over it. Positive changes will come with a positive attitude so that is how I am going to look at my situation right now.

On that note, I have not been eating well the last week or so. Still skipping breakfast and most days lunch too. I don't know why I can't just get something to eat. Over the last few days it was because I had nothing in the house but Ramen Noodles and let's face it on a 100 degree day, there is no way that is happening. Could have had a peanut butter sandwich, but I am not as fond of those as Cody is, and it was too hot for hot dogs too. But now I have food. Sad to have to feel guilty that I spent $90 on groceries, but Cody and I need to eat so oh well. I bought all good things too. Steak, beef tips, boneless and skinless chicken breasts, Raisin Bran, Cheerios, pretzels, fruit, veggies, seltzer. Yum. I even substituted low fat frozen yogurt for ice cream. We will see how long that lasts though!!

I have not been to the gym in a loooooooooong time. I just don't have the time to. When I get out of work I come right here to hop on the computer and do more work. Once money issues become less constraining I will get back in, but right now electricity, food, gas, and rent are far more important.

I think that my push to cook more for Steve is really helping me eat better foods at dinner time since he is a meat man and I usually don't like to cook meat. But for him it's worth it. (Insert awwwws or ewwwwws as you see fit)

So I guess that is about all I have for today. I am going to finish my Raisin Bran, have a turkey sandwich for lunch, and cook some Hot and Spicy Shake N Bake chicken for dinner. Yum.

On the Back Burner

So I really haven't posted in a while. All my time has been spent working. I am wicked strapped for cash so every little bit of work that I can do is needed. I am tired. I have not been eating well at all. I have been skipping breakfast and most of the time lunch for the last few days. The threat of eviction and everything else has taken over everything. I haven't sleep much either. I am going to hit a breaking point at some point, but hopefully I can get the bills paid before that happens. It sucks, but this is how it has to be for a while. Cody is my first priority which means I need money to get food for him. I will make it through to the other side, always have. If I can manage to land that position I am going for at work things will be much better, much faster. I think I have a good chance, and last night I was given a chance to prove that I can handle heading a department meeting (even though it was only for about five minutes lol) which is one of the responsibilities of this job. There is a bright light in the future, I just need to make it there.

I made the Southwestern Chicken roulade the other day. I was not a fan of it. Steve thought it was pretty good. I am going to tweek it a little. There was bacon and Southwestern rice inside the chicken with bacon, shredded pepper jack cheese, and pico de gallo salsa on top. I liked it except for the rice inside. I am going to give it another go, but next time, just the bacon and the cheese inside of the chicken, and I am going to cook the chicken in taco seasoning with crumbled corn tortilla chips on top. Hopefully that will be a little better.

I have a steak in the freezer and still have yet to decide what to do with it. Hopefully this steak will not end in disaster like the last. (No more stitches for me!!!!)

Don't DJ Tanner on me, lady!

Don't worry, no DJ Tanner passing out at the gym for me. I did not go. I really should have eaten something yesterday, but sometimes I just don't have the time! I know, I know. Make the time. I am going to try, honestly, I will give it a little effort. I managed to eat lunch and dinner today. I had pizza for lunch even though I really shouldn't have, but dammit it was good. I haven't had pizza in a while. For supper I had my ever popular turkey flatbread sandwich. Delish as usual. I had a snack of reduced fat Wheat Thins with Cracker Barrel sharp white cheddar cheese on top. MMMMMMM. I love that cheese. So all in all, aside from the couple of mint Oreos I just had, not too bad of a day nutrition-wise.

Tomorrow I am going to get up, pour Cody a bowl of cereal, pour myself a bowl of cereal and if I am feeling ambitious, which I can almost guarantee I won't, I will make eggs too.

I was walking around the grocery store today and kept thinking about that chicken roulade I am going to make and finally came up with a game plan:

For the filling I am going to have a mildly spicy Mexican rice and corn mixture along with pieces of bacon (I know, not really Southwestern/Mexican, but Steve has to have bacon), and some shredded pepperjack cheese. Then the chicken is going to have Hot N Spicy Shake N Bake on the outside, topped with a small smattering (fancy word huh??) of Goya's pico de gallo salsa. Sounds amazing right? We will see if I can really get what I want from it since I am just throwing stuff together with no recipe. I am sure it will be delicious.

I still have yet to figure out an interesting thing to do with the steaks that I have. I am just sick of teryaki, I don't like BBQ at all, and all the rubs out there have garlic in them. I suppose I could throw together my own rub, but I am willing to bet Steve wouldn't like it because it would have cinnamon in it (I put cinnamon on my chicken all the time.)

Well boys and girls, that is all for me tonight. I am utterly drained. Hopefully I will actually get to the gym soon. We will see. Goodnight all. Until we meet again.

Suiting Up

So this week I am becoming more and more nervous. I have an interview for a promotion at work. The interview itself is not the part I am worried about, but more my clothes that I will wear for the interview. The person that I will eventually interview with if I make it past the first round is a very professional person, pants suits and such, and I just don't have those. They don't make flattering business casual clothing for fat people. It just doesn't happen. So everything I have in my eyes compared to what she usually wears is just not going to cut it, but that is all I have. I don't have the money to go out and buy one outfit that will be uncomfortable and that I will NEVER wear again, just for one interview, but I am praying that my lack of business style savvy is not going to halt my spot for this position. No matter what I wear, it's either too tight, or too loose. There is not happy medium!! So I am just really nervous about that.

Yesterday was great. Had a really fun time at the Fishercats game with my dad, Steve, and Cody. Skipped breakfast yet again yesterday, had a turkey flatbread for lunch, and nothing for supper, but had a small amount of ice cream when I got home. Tsk Tsk. Today I actually ate breakfast!!! Granted they were pancakes, so it's not like they were super nutritious, but at least I ate something. That is a start. I am about to eat lunch and guess what it's going to be? That's right! Turkey flatbread. And for dinner? You got it, turkey flatbread. Sigh. It's the only thing that is cheap enough where I can buy enough to last quite a while, and has protein and spinach in it so it's pretty healthy. I wish I could get into the swing of making breakfast.

Made a delicious Italian chicken meal for supper the other night, it was fantastic. It was only chicken with Shake N Bake on it, but it was so juicy and delicious. YUM. My next adventure with chicken is going to be a Southwestern Chicken Roulade. (Something featured on Hell's Kitchen that looked amazing). I promised Steve that I would start cooking for him if he moved back in, so I am trying to get the hang of it now and not view it as such a daunting task. So far I have done pretty well. Hopefully I can keep it going.

Well, I am off to eat my healthy lunch now. Depending on if I have work waiting for me at home tonight when I get out of work, I may or may not hit the gym. We shall see. I wish I could type on my laptop while on the treadmill. That would be some awesome multitasking. But right now will bills as far behind as they are, I need to concentrate more on making money. Unfortunately that means I stay just as fat another day, but in the end I would rather have a roof over my head and food for Cody.

Beach Bummin' It

I have to say, Friday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. My dad let me borrow his convertible and we took it out to the coast for the day. The weather was amazing, the drive was relaxing, the company was perfect. I did have a horrible first part of the day diet-wise however.

I ate nothing for breakfast, I was too much in a hurry to get to that convertible! For lunch I had a hot fudge sundae, but it was worth it. Dinner at work was good however, another turkey flatbread sandwich. I didn't snack or have any sweets at work. Yay me! I did not however hit the gym like I should have after work. Instead I took a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG drive home. There is almost nothing better than a mild summer night with the top down and the music up. It was simply amazing. I didn't want to go home. I stopped at Taco Bell however the line was fortunately so long that I turned around and did not get anything. It was a sign from the universe telling me to turn back. Lol. When I got home I was tempted to cook up some Ramen but decided against it.

Yesterday, skipped breakfast again. Tsk tsk. I really need to start eating breakfast more. I have eggs in the fridge, it's not that hard to scramble them up, I just don't feel like eating when I wake up. For lunch I had nothing either. Again, tsk tsk. For supper I had a turkey flatbread sandwich. I am totally not getting enough protein in my diet or calories for that matter. No wonder I am so tired all the time.

Today, starting off the same. I had no breakfast. Chunky Monkey for lunch :( But only because I had such bad heartburn and nothing was cooling it. (Yes that is my excuse and I stand by it) Tonight is going to be a very healthy and protein filled dinner that I am actually excited to make. No gym today again though.

Tomorrow I will probably not get the chance to hit the gym either, but perhaps I will do some Zumba from the comfort of my bedroom thanks to Youtube. There is one that is done to OMG by Usher and another to Boom Boom Pow that I like. The Boom Boom Pow one is pretty hard and fast paced, so I am still working on learning it, but the OMG one is pretty easy for beginners. I don't think I would ever actually go to a Zumba class until I was a little thinner. Fat chicks just don't look good dancing. Or I don't anyway.

So that is what I have been up to for the last few days. Not a whole lot of anything. Now off to get a little exercise by cleaning.

A Cut Above The Rest

Finally Blogspot is back up!!! I have a few days to catch up on now.

So this is from 6/29/11

Nope, no gym tonight. Definitely not. As I am sure you have seen already, this morning I tried to cook my own healthy meal instead of going out to eat and wasting money, and this is what I get for it!!

I went to get a George Foreman grill last night to make this steak I had an idea for. Teriyaki Hawaiian steak with grilled pineapples and mandarin oranges, with coconut mashed potatoes and corn on the side. Oh yum. Protein, veggies, and fruits all in one. So today when I went to set the grill up and there was a plastic zip tie on the end of the plug. I didn't have scissors so out came the larger serrated bread knife. Well, the battle of the bread knife and my finger began. Needless to say it ended as Knife: 1, me: Absolute Zero. I just looked at it and went, "Steve, I need to go to the hospital". Lol. Fortunately it did not hurt until they put the Lidocaine in it. Now that the Lido has worn off, I am in a ton of pain, hence why I am writing this with one hand!

We got back and I finished the meal, no sense in wasting good steak!

This is what I came out with and it was delicioso!!!



Here we have a filet of steak marinated in teryaki sauce, Pepsi, triple sec, lemon juice, and some spices. On top of the steak is grilled pineapple and grilled mandarin oranges with almond crumbles. The potatoes are infused with coconut cream instead of milk. And then there's corn. Boring old corn. The dish went over pretty well from what I could see. :)

Went to work and tried to make it through the whole night, but ended up leaving two hours early because it just hurt too much. Leftover dinner was great though! I was bad and bought a Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey, however, I barely ate any of it.

6/30/11

No gym today either. I am a lazy lazy person I guess. Had to get home and do a transcription job and it needed to be in by morning, so I had to stay up until almost 4am finishing that. Good thing I didn't go to the gym or I wouldn't have gotten any sleep. Didn't have the best dinner at work tonight, apples and peanut butter. While it's a great, healthy snack, it's not exactly a meal. But I didn't have time to make a lunch to bring, and I didn't want to go get fast food, so considering the other option, I think I did pretty well. My snacks for the night consisted of Saltine Goldfish, four Twizzlers, and reduced fat Wheat Thins. Not too shabby.

And that brings us to the now, 7/1/11. I will be getting plenty of exercise today! It's time to go pick up my dad's convertible and cruise over to Odiorne Point for a fun day of beach walking, animal picking, and going to the science center. I think it's going to be a great day with a lot of exercise involved. Not to mention I get to take photos along the way!!!

For lunch I am packing turkey and cheese sandwiches with spinach and honey mustard on the side. Yum!

Don't look at me like that...

Success! I made it to the gym! Granted I took a 40 mile detour before doing it, but I still went.

Didn't have the best lunch today, french fries covered with semi-melted American cheese on them. Breakfast was nowhere to be found. For dinner I had my usual turkey sandwich and for a snack had Saltine flavored Goldfish. I had some Twizzlers after but held myself back and didn't have that many. I have been good so far and have not eaten anything since I have been home.

After work I needed to run an errand at Walmart, but headed right to the gym after. I intended to work out for an hour on the treadmill, but my poor choice in shoes got the best of me. I made it through half an hour, 200 calories burned at 2.9 mph for most of the walk. Still better than nothing right?

So that is about all I have for now. Thanks for reading.

Day 1, not off to a great start

So day 1 of this...you would think that my public embarassment would be enough to start getting me motivated. Nope. Not the case today apparently. I skipped the gym last night because I was more focused on getting home and doing some transcription work. Ah money, the root of all evil. The all consuming need to make even the tiniest bit of extra money overpowers so many things like cleaning, working out, or even eating. Take last night for example. I thought about going to the gym when I got out of work, but then I thought, what if there is transcription work waiting for me? Well guess what. I sacrificed a good, healthy workout for a meager 50 cents worth of work. I think getting out of that mindset late at night will do me a world of good. (of course so would making more money so I wouldn't have to worry as much about how I am going to pay all the bills)

Today, I was able to get some sleep thanks to Steve for helping get Cody's breakfast and morning routine set up, and thanks to Cody for not waking me up. However, the second I woke up, I logged right on and started working, only pausing to get Cody his lunch. I have made a little today, but not enough to warrant skipping my chores, which I am about to start on. I also have not eaten anything today, which is just as bad as eating crap all day long.

I did well at work last night, I didn't over snack, I had reduced fat Wheat Thins and sharp cheddar cheese for a snack, turkey and baby spinach sandwich on whole grain wheat flatbread for dinner, and then some Saltine Goldfish for one more snack a little later in the night. I did however have a package of Ho Hos. Hostess is the devil and is one of my weaknesses. I love Hostess, and of course they have to stock the vending machine with it. Today I do not have any one dollar bills or change on me and I am going to keep it that way so I cannot get anything from the machine.

I am going to try and get the chores done and perhaps eat a little something too while I am at it. Hopefully I will stick to it and get it done. Wish me luck.

Here's to the fat life

I'm fat. I know this. I have known this for quite some time. I have never been the thin girl, or the pretty girl, or even the midly attractive girl. Do I wish I could change it? Of course! Easier said than done. I was diagnosed with PCOS when my son was born, and most recently, insulin resistance. This caused me to gain 90 pounds within a year of my son's birth and is keeping me from losing any weight, no matter what I try. I have tried all kinds of diets that ranged from eating healthy salads, to not eating at all until the end of the day. I would lose a few pounds here and there, but then would gain it right back again. It's frustrating to no end. I don't like crying when I am clothes shopping. I don't like thinking about how I look to other people. I hate the fact that my husband has to look at me like this. I hate being this way. Plain and simple.

So why am I on this self-hate rant you may ask? Because I want to try something drastic. Something that puts me in a place where I have never wanted to be. Out in the open. Vulnerable. Exposed to everyone. Sharing my innermost thoughts about my weight and the struggle of it all, having everyone see who I really am inside, and how unhappy I am. I care greatly about what people think of me, and I fear that putting this all out there will have one of two consequences. One, you will think, "oh stop with the self pity. Get over yourself. Put down the food, go to the gym" or you will think, "huh...she really doesn't like doing this but she is anyway. Good for her". Or you will all just think I am a blathering idiot that should just stop right now.

So here I am. Exposed. Vulnerable. Awaiting the scoffs and scorns of my less gravitationally challenged peers. I am fat. Always have been. Here is my last ditch effort to change it.

I am going to make myself write a food and exercise diary, and it's going to be posted here. Every day. Honest, open, and right to the point. I am not going to fib to make things look better, I am not going to lie and say I went to the gym when really I went home and had a 2am snack of Ramen noodles. I am going throw everything out there. If you think I am a disgusting person for it, weak, self-pitying, worthless, so be it. But this is my journey, not yours, so let's see where it takes me. If you would like to lend support along the way, I thank you. If you would like to criticize, I am okay with that too. Maybe it will push me further than I thought I could go. In the end, I just want to be healthy and someone my husband and friends would be proud to be out and about with.

Here we go.