Here's to the fat life

I'm fat. I know this. I have known this for quite some time. I have never been the thin girl, or the pretty girl, or even the midly attractive girl. Do I wish I could change it? Of course! Easier said than done. I was diagnosed with PCOS when my son was born, and most recently, insulin resistance. This caused me to gain 90 pounds within a year of my son's birth and is keeping me from losing any weight, no matter what I try. I have tried all kinds of diets that ranged from eating healthy salads, to not eating at all until the end of the day. I would lose a few pounds here and there, but then would gain it right back again. It's frustrating to no end. I don't like crying when I am clothes shopping. I don't like thinking about how I look to other people. I hate the fact that my husband has to look at me like this. I hate being this way. Plain and simple.

So why am I on this self-hate rant you may ask? Because I want to try something drastic. Something that puts me in a place where I have never wanted to be. Out in the open. Vulnerable. Exposed to everyone. Sharing my innermost thoughts about my weight and the struggle of it all, having everyone see who I really am inside, and how unhappy I am. I care greatly about what people think of me, and I fear that putting this all out there will have one of two consequences. One, you will think, "oh stop with the self pity. Get over yourself. Put down the food, go to the gym" or you will think, "huh...she really doesn't like doing this but she is anyway. Good for her". Or you will all just think I am a blathering idiot that should just stop right now.

So here I am. Exposed. Vulnerable. Awaiting the scoffs and scorns of my less gravitationally challenged peers. I am fat. Always have been. Here is my last ditch effort to change it.

I am going to make myself write a food and exercise diary, and it's going to be posted here. Every day. Honest, open, and right to the point. I am not going to fib to make things look better, I am not going to lie and say I went to the gym when really I went home and had a 2am snack of Ramen noodles. I am going throw everything out there. If you think I am a disgusting person for it, weak, self-pitying, worthless, so be it. But this is my journey, not yours, so let's see where it takes me. If you would like to lend support along the way, I thank you. If you would like to criticize, I am okay with that too. Maybe it will push me further than I thought I could go. In the end, I just want to be healthy and someone my husband and friends would be proud to be out and about with.

Here we go.