Don't look at me like that...

Success! I made it to the gym! Granted I took a 40 mile detour before doing it, but I still went.

Didn't have the best lunch today, french fries covered with semi-melted American cheese on them. Breakfast was nowhere to be found. For dinner I had my usual turkey sandwich and for a snack had Saltine flavored Goldfish. I had some Twizzlers after but held myself back and didn't have that many. I have been good so far and have not eaten anything since I have been home.

After work I needed to run an errand at Walmart, but headed right to the gym after. I intended to work out for an hour on the treadmill, but my poor choice in shoes got the best of me. I made it through half an hour, 200 calories burned at 2.9 mph for most of the walk. Still better than nothing right?

So that is about all I have for now. Thanks for reading.

Day 1, not off to a great start

So day 1 of this...you would think that my public embarassment would be enough to start getting me motivated. Nope. Not the case today apparently. I skipped the gym last night because I was more focused on getting home and doing some transcription work. Ah money, the root of all evil. The all consuming need to make even the tiniest bit of extra money overpowers so many things like cleaning, working out, or even eating. Take last night for example. I thought about going to the gym when I got out of work, but then I thought, what if there is transcription work waiting for me? Well guess what. I sacrificed a good, healthy workout for a meager 50 cents worth of work. I think getting out of that mindset late at night will do me a world of good. (of course so would making more money so I wouldn't have to worry as much about how I am going to pay all the bills)

Today, I was able to get some sleep thanks to Steve for helping get Cody's breakfast and morning routine set up, and thanks to Cody for not waking me up. However, the second I woke up, I logged right on and started working, only pausing to get Cody his lunch. I have made a little today, but not enough to warrant skipping my chores, which I am about to start on. I also have not eaten anything today, which is just as bad as eating crap all day long.

I did well at work last night, I didn't over snack, I had reduced fat Wheat Thins and sharp cheddar cheese for a snack, turkey and baby spinach sandwich on whole grain wheat flatbread for dinner, and then some Saltine Goldfish for one more snack a little later in the night. I did however have a package of Ho Hos. Hostess is the devil and is one of my weaknesses. I love Hostess, and of course they have to stock the vending machine with it. Today I do not have any one dollar bills or change on me and I am going to keep it that way so I cannot get anything from the machine.

I am going to try and get the chores done and perhaps eat a little something too while I am at it. Hopefully I will stick to it and get it done. Wish me luck.

Here's to the fat life

I'm fat. I know this. I have known this for quite some time. I have never been the thin girl, or the pretty girl, or even the midly attractive girl. Do I wish I could change it? Of course! Easier said than done. I was diagnosed with PCOS when my son was born, and most recently, insulin resistance. This caused me to gain 90 pounds within a year of my son's birth and is keeping me from losing any weight, no matter what I try. I have tried all kinds of diets that ranged from eating healthy salads, to not eating at all until the end of the day. I would lose a few pounds here and there, but then would gain it right back again. It's frustrating to no end. I don't like crying when I am clothes shopping. I don't like thinking about how I look to other people. I hate the fact that my husband has to look at me like this. I hate being this way. Plain and simple.

So why am I on this self-hate rant you may ask? Because I want to try something drastic. Something that puts me in a place where I have never wanted to be. Out in the open. Vulnerable. Exposed to everyone. Sharing my innermost thoughts about my weight and the struggle of it all, having everyone see who I really am inside, and how unhappy I am. I care greatly about what people think of me, and I fear that putting this all out there will have one of two consequences. One, you will think, "oh stop with the self pity. Get over yourself. Put down the food, go to the gym" or you will think, "huh...she really doesn't like doing this but she is anyway. Good for her". Or you will all just think I am a blathering idiot that should just stop right now.

So here I am. Exposed. Vulnerable. Awaiting the scoffs and scorns of my less gravitationally challenged peers. I am fat. Always have been. Here is my last ditch effort to change it.

I am going to make myself write a food and exercise diary, and it's going to be posted here. Every day. Honest, open, and right to the point. I am not going to fib to make things look better, I am not going to lie and say I went to the gym when really I went home and had a 2am snack of Ramen noodles. I am going throw everything out there. If you think I am a disgusting person for it, weak, self-pitying, worthless, so be it. But this is my journey, not yours, so let's see where it takes me. If you would like to lend support along the way, I thank you. If you would like to criticize, I am okay with that too. Maybe it will push me further than I thought I could go. In the end, I just want to be healthy and someone my husband and friends would be proud to be out and about with.

Here we go.